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'Looks like you're underwater on your mortgage.'

'We're gonna need a bigger moat...!'

'We just have to hope and pray they don't go around the side!'

'I know where you live!'

Soldier surveys castle ruins, saying: 'With hindsight, it was ambitious calling it a 'keep'.'

'...Or does it go 'measure twice and cut once'?'

'Well Mr. Jenkins it may be historically accurate, but it doesn't really comply with planning permission as an extension to your bungalow.'

"I still think a simple pedestrian mall would have sufficed."

'That does it! We have to insulate the ivory tower.'

Castle drawbridge opens to reveal a dishwasher

"Nice moat. How did you get it past the Kingdom-Owners Association?"

"Honey, we need to decide if we're going to add on or conquer a bigger castle."

"Well, so much for the 'No Trespassing' signs."

Soldier in medieval battle says: 'Oi, take it easy! This is an English Heritage site.'

'I lost my key to the kingdom.'

The King and His Real Estate Advisors

'... And I now insert the brai ... Egor, this is a cauliflower.'

"Hang on a tick, lads, what have we here?"

Bubble; 'This castle manager job better be for real.'

Sand castle in a sand timer.

Housing bubble estate.

'Oh, they're right, our lawyer says our castle does encroach two metres onto their property.'

'As the housing inspector, I'm telling you to install a smoke detector.'

Charlemagne

"Liability issues, Sire."

'OK, OK, I'm coming, I'm coming...'

DING DONG!

"It's the battering classes"

"Go see what's covered by my home-owner's policy."

Castle in the Clouds

"The Budget Committee needs to know - is the moat national security or infrastructure?"

"He'd torch the castle and I'd rescue the damsel."

'...And while I was away at the World Economic Summit, they changed all the locks!'

'I envisioned something more robust'

'A-1 security from crime ... but can't stand the isolation.'