Casting Pillows

"Thank you, Mr. Mulvaney, but what we're really looking for is someone with talent."

Casting in the swamp.

"Of course, there's Macbeth and the pantomine season...."

'He really wanted to get into the zombie role, so he became a Meth-Head actor.'

They hated me.

"Just be yourself."

Benedict Cumberbatch

'Believing any filming experience may help launch acting careers, some even stage their appearances before closed circuit cameras.'

Department of Theatre, Film and Television: Lights...Camera...Unemployment!

'They all want to play the star.'

Clown teaches how to speak Jibberish

"I'll do the movie but I want to be highly compensated and highly acclaimed."

'How are the ventriloquist lessons going?'

"Samson was the best actor in the bible - he brought the house down!"

"Welcome to Off-Off-Off Broadway."

Leslie Caron.

'Hamlet'

"They've remained remarkably faithful to the text."

Comedy Cafe

"Have you read any of Shakespeare's plays?"

Applause. Clap clap bravo. Spring musical. Cats. You were terrific! Our little girl!

"All our extras are ex-soccer players - they're the best at dramatically faking injuries."

'I guess it's not much consolation but I thought your impersonation of the King was a riot.'

Cut!

Theatre Masks and Butts

He is familiar with the silent swoop of the evening bat.

"An actor, you say? Guess you caught the acting-like-a-waiter bug."

Joan Hickson

"I'm sorry, we're looking for the voice of a spunky animated turnip and your reading is more fruit than vegetable if you understand what I mean."

Emotion of Mr. Kenwigs on hearing the family news from Nicholas

'Here's something that should suit your wooden acting style. How do you fancy playing the lead in Pinocchio?'

"I always thought I'd be good at getting drunk and crying on camera for Bravo."

Kid with 'Little Wellness Facilitator' kit

"I don't know if I can do 'Gilmore Girls' today. I'm not sure I'm feeling up for anything involving witty yet poignant repartee."

Steve McQueen