Carrot Nose Humorist Gifts

The Nose Thief

"Okay, now breathe another sigh of relief."

Lactose Intolerant

"I'm afraid you could go at any time."

"Don't worry, Ref, just shock, it's his first save all season."

PSA Banter.

'I don't believe it. Five minutes after he gets the darn thing, he has an arrest!'

'These goalscoring celebrations are getting out of hand.'

'Call me immediately if there's any serious side effects so I can notify my lawyer.'

Football Chameleon

Punt Cake

'I feel like exercising. Have you seen my tennis shoes?'

'I don't understand why you always put me in goal?!'

Providing Healthcare For All

'You know you're getting old when you take longer to recover than to get tired.'

'Ugh Look The whole garden is just one giant cat toilet'

'Now that's the Group of Death.'

Alternative fielding positions

In case of Emergency: Break Glass

"Happy birthday, dear. You still have that sparkle in your eyes!" "That sparkle burned out years ago. These are cataracts."

'He's got abdominal pain, dizziness and soreness in his extremities. I'll know more when I see X-rays...'

'What you seem to be suffering from is longevity.'

'Will I live Doctor?' 'Yes, but I don't advise it!'

'We're all out of flu vaccine - how about something for anxiety...?'

"Is that your idea of a well balanced diet"

Trojan Hurdler.

'His workout regimen consists of 50 sit-downs every day.'

"Gesundheit!"

"Reverend, I recommend you turn the other cheek."

Doctor to man with 'Push' door on mouth: 'It looks as though you've been eating a lot of junk food lately.'

Treat Dispensers for the Middle-Aged

Would you be willing to sign something regarding the fat content of your burger? Like what? My colon.

'It may be more inconvenient, but the 'Reverse Prostate Exam' is a lot less embarrassing for the both of us.'

My Dream Valentine

'I'd like a second opinion, doctor.'