Carefree Conversationalist T-Shirts

"What can I say: It's nice to get away from the kids once in a while..."

"Yes, I'm from London. 'Which part?' you ask. Well all of me!"

PSA Banter.

Why we need poetry. . .

'You must be Jim's new gardener. I'm his neighbour, Gerald. Had any luck with the Petunias this year? Aren't those Jim's feet sticking out of the ornamental pond?'

"To be honest, I don't mind the cold, and being an introvert, and slightly antisocial, I really treasure the quiet time when the others have flown south..."

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

'That's the corkage fee you wanted to ask about, Jack, not the cleavage fee!'

Remember my mum? I took that photo a week before she died. There's one of me...that was a good haircut.

My wife's been talking to the skin I shed for over an hour.

"No, I don't think you have 'multiple personality disorder'. In fact, I don't think you have a personality at all."

Shrewsbury - pronunciation

"I'd love to go out with you. Do I have to have time to change."

'Hold on, Bob. I'm downshifting.'

"And I never kiss in the first two seconds."

"I've been in the doghouse ever since I tried to get my mother-in-law hanged as a witch."

Kid to kid: 'I can't be wearing out my welcome. I didn't even step on it.'

'Take this stick-drive and open the file 'John's Emotional Baggage'. It'll save a lot of time.'

"Dude, Amazon is so popular they named a river after it."

'I do so much better with women when I quit trying to understand them and just repeat what they say to each other.'

"Why... are there so many people who never eat pork? Because we have some excellent PR people working on our behalf."

"The most obvious side-effect of having a chip implanted in my brain is a constant craving for onion dip."

Snow is falling...

"Oh Gregori! You tell such funny stories!"

"Now can I be in one of your comics?"

'Fred is a social conservative -- he believes in slow food and heavy beer.'

"I devote most of my time to defending the bastions of culture."

"Want to score some flu shots.?"

'It's not so much you having a cockroach problem - it's more along the lines of us having a human problem.'

'I just like tequila for the worm.'

"That's where the tenured faculty members hang out."

'I wonder if you'd go out with me. I've always wanted to go to couples therapy.'

"Oh, the usual - spreading pestilence and misery. You?"

'Unlike Wall Street, with its strict rules regulating insider trading, 'Love Street' remains un-regulated, and I'm pleases to let you know now, before the official announcement, that the position of Rolf Fusco's girlfriend is open.'

People I've Met At Parties Whose Names I've Forgotten