Care Package Connoisseur Gifts

"Dear Mum, please stop sending me food parcels..."

The Complete Spaghetti Dinner.

Pet owner pours out contents of treats for dog that are oddly shaped. Box titled: 'Funny Bones'.

"I suffered a stroke."

Who's a cutey?

Satis Factory Tour

'You're cute when you blow your cool.'

'I asked for a report on the long and short of it, Henderson - This only addresses the breadth and depth.'

'Special Delivery!'

"I can refer you either to Dr. Basinkski, a noted specialist, Dr. Hodge-Cabot, who is a pioneer in the field, or Charlie, a generic doctor who also does a very nice job."

"I don't know - none of these cookies offer an engaging brand narrative."

"I'll kiss you later. Catch! I meant catch you later!"

'Hay Boats on the Thames'

"Is your spouse bad at babying you when you're sick?"

Christmas package.

A butcher's counter is divided between 'delicious,' 'not bad' and 'edible.'

"Well, who's it from? I don't take blind submissions."

"Emanaditas...grilled cheese sandwich...a mango... Oh yeah! And ice! Last time I sent a care package to my brother in Iraq, he said it was all spoiled."

Mothers are Heroes

"You should feel honoured. I don't sue anyone."

Woman looks at frozen ready meal and says to man: 'You may have bought them from the corner shop, but that doesn't mean they're 'locally-sourced'.'

"I was at home all day yesterday so when do I want you to re-deliver? Yesterday!"

"Regift the bicycle, Charles, but put this in my Panama pile."

"Yes, I do all my shopping online. How did you know?"

Excess Baggage: Perhaps you should have washed those clothes before returning home form your overseas vacation.

'Boy, Grandmas sure are cute at that age.'

Actually, I'm looking for a gift that says nothing.

'How about a few of the pretty pink and yellow ones today, dear.'

"As a matter of fact - We do offer free shipping."

It is not enough that I receive a treat. The dog must also be deprived of one.

"How do we know the label isn't on upside down?"

"Doggie treats are just another way for humans to control us and steal our freedom."

Pond Village Store Generalists

Acme Pen Co -"If they don't work, just toss 'em in the bin"

"Can you recommend any wines for the middle class?"