Cannibalism Satire Fan Gifts

'If you want to grow up big and strong, you have to eat your vegetarians.'

"Or we could turn on the TV and let younger, more beautiful people have sex for us."

"In financial news, Greek shares continue their slide. Of note, International Feta Cheese continues to crumble."

'In case of fire, don't panic. Pay your bill then leave.'

Revenge Graffiti.

Pop star weather report.

"Typical! - The Frobishers' have fire and the wheel..."

'The controversy builds, as we gather more half-arsed comments to dress up as considered public opinion!'

'I didn't find a finger in my chili!'

Reality TV

'Which dog is named 'BOGART'?'

'Cannibalism has always repulsed me - until i tasted Aunty Judy's knees'

'Police have counted the dead resulting from today's disaster. However, they suspect that some of these victims may be just playing possum.'

Ambulance arrives at full hospital

Hannibal Becomes More Conciliatory.

Woman on a Pedestal. . . Who Married the Mothers Boy.

'Uh oh. Cougar alert.'

The Ancient Enquirer: Woman Turns Into Pillar of Salt!

"It's my personal, one step recipe for success. Step 1: Gimme all your money."

'I've always been a great fan of yours. I wrote all your books!'

How come nothing good ever happens to me? Like what? Like getting taken by a foreign government then rescued. I want to get a book contract, to be part of the news cycle, to have him talk about me. Whom? Speak my name, Anderson Cooper! The great one.

'Apparently my ex's idea of heaven was to punch me in the eye.'

"It's appendicitis, madam. No need, at this point, to pull the plug."

"Something I ate disagreed with me." "What did you eat?" "Ibuku. He disagreed with me."

"That's right. A real war with real victims and real casualties. Unfortunately The War of Withering Sarcasm wasn't one of those sexy wars the media likes to report on."

"Aside from the foot, do you think my parking's getting better?"

She left Friday. He noticed Tuesday, when all the clean towels ran out.

"I just want to apologize beforehand if you miss."

'They've been on too many English raids !'

"Miss Reed, could you please bring me a palm tree and some ragged clothes?"

"But I only wanted a hair transplant!"

Is it true Santa Clause is holding Rudy hostage? Of course not. Where'd you hear such a thing. On Candorville.com. It's a real news site, not a fake news site. Billy, Billy, Billy. There's no such thing as "real news." "Real news" is a fairy tale parents tell their kids so their childhoods will be a little more magical. But Santa, he's real, isn't he? Of course he is. That's why I sell Santa cookies. Do me a favor? Don't tell my mommy I know "real news" is fake. It makes her happy so I'll go alo

'I want you to meet the chief.'

"When I first started school all I wanted were A's but since hitting puberty I'm far more interested in D's."

"Budget cuts. We replaced the scythes with sporks. Now let's get goin'."