Canine Psychic Gifts

Identical twins, separated at birth. Both like to...chase cars, take naps, fetch sticks, bark, sit on furniture.

Licensed Therapist

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

Cats = Zen, Dogs = Men

"You understand that they call you 'good boy' because they can't remember your name, right? They never forget my name, they care about me..."

"Watch out, Simone's hangry - her stomach AND her throat are growling."

"Is that true, Charles? You leave your crap all over the house?"

"Dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, onion bagel with Nutella and cream cheese, dirt, dirt, dirt..."

"Have you tried biting him?"

"The first step is admitting you're a dog."

"This says dogs can exhibit feelings of jealousy."

"I'm thinking 'woof-woof' but I'm saying 'arf-arf'."

"You will meet a tall, mysterious stranger — you will rub fur on his pant leg."

"Meow."

"I see you, I see a vet, you're sore for weeks afterwards."

"Is listening to her talk about her feelings worth a tiny can of tuna?"

"Would you mind moving to your doggy bed? I'd like to sit in my chair. I know you can hear me. Your book is upside down."

'If you don't notice an improvement after a few weeks, we can try a different cone.'

'I've just realised where we went wrong.'

"I need a hip replacement but I believe they're looking at a dog replacement."

'I suppose this means you won't be fetching my slippers anymore.'

They say animals have the sixth sense and the talent to look into the future...

'A common problem - we all give them our undivided love and devotion.'

"Mi chiamano Mimi, il perche non so. Sola, mi fo il pranzo da me stessa."

"Actually I never loved you."

"I'm supposed to be loyal, relieve stress, be 'Man's best friend'...I don't need this kind of pressure!"

I hear you, man. Look, if you need anything, my door is always open.

The brain of a dog.

'Yes, you were abandoned. But then I adopted you. Why are you still taking it out on my couch?'

'How long have you had this obsessive hatred of cats?'

"He's sending an instant message."

"Putting him on a diet was easy. Just hide a pill in his food and he'll never touch it."

"And just how long have your felt confined by this 'invisible fence'?"

Dog to dog: 'I hate the way pointers are always blaming somebody else.'

'Don't worry, we'll soon have you barking sane.'