Calorie Crusher Gifts

Woman walking through a bakery with blinkers on.

Win-win. Whenever I hear that from you, I want to hide under the counter. New research shows the only proven way to prolong life is caloric restriction. Eat less, live longer. Introducing our new breakfast meal plan: The Fountain of Youth. You get half a muffin and half a glass of water. Sounds meager. Exactly. That's why we're charging $16. But a full muffin only costs $4. And it won't prolong your life. Can you even put a price on immortality? How much should we charge for an empty plate of ai

'Okay, ladies! We're not just going to burn those calories, we're going to drown them!'

Sam's Gym. My problem is I can't get the body I want with the body I've got!

"Alan had to work all night on his presentation....this is what 17 espressos does to him."

'I burned my fingers by touching the hot breakfast eggs, but next time, I'll peel them before I put them into boiling water!'

'I'm partially passing my Meteorology course.'

Pin-atas

An intergalactic oat bran cluster, about to significantly lower Earth's average cholesterol level.

"Let me stop you right there. Look, you're paid to keep the competition out of our territory. I don't need to hear all the grizzly details."

Hot dog.

'This cola only has half the calories, so if I only drink half that would be no calories!'

'Making a profit was a lot easier before so many countries abandoned socialism and started competing!'

'Well, we made it.'

"Sealed for your diets protection."

"Cough cough"

The Short, Brutal Existence Of Pinata Candy.

'If you feel guilty, I can put our high fat vanilla ice cream in one of our low fat cups.'

'Sometimes the boss exerts too much pressure about meeting a project deadline.'

'It happens to a lot of runners at this stage of the marathon, George. It;s called 'hitting the wall'...'

"You've hit your goals so well that I wanted to bring by your Christmas bonus."

I'm using fossil fuel.

"It's make it or break it time. All in favor of breaking it?"

'This diet is killing me! -- Last night I dreamed that I ate Willy Wonka!'

Anders Iniesta

"Our computers are down, so I can't look it up. If I had to guess, I would say, yes, that is fattening."

'I'm putting you on the 'Don't eat so damn much' diet.'

I still think the anti-personnel mines are a bit over the top.

"One man's trash is another man's treasure. But in your case, another man's trash is ow your trash."

"Can you give me about 5 minutes? I'm about to beat this level!"

On Thursday, I ingested 6,200 calories. On Friday, I spent $1,800 at the mall. Binge and splurge.

"I just gave her 100 Candy Crush lives so she won't be seeing anybody for a while."

'Don't be tempted, Mrs. Gruber, just mail those apple fritters right here to me!'

The World As Most People See It....The World As Scientists See it!

'Ben doesn't know what to do between hunting season and fishing season, so he shot February.'