Calorie-counting Queen Gifts

"The most I'll splurge on my diet is on a boneless, skinless carrot."

'You've hit the fitness plateau.'

'We must be 50,000 calories away from home by now.'

'I never should have ordered the diet platter.'

Secretive Weigh In.

'Nowadays we want all our food to be ethically sourced, Personally I'd be happy if it was all chocolated sauced,'

"When portions are this huge, I eat half now and the rest in a few minutes."

"I hate it when the damned things decide they need to get out and burn off some calories."

"Only three more miles and tonight we're good for tiramisu!"

All Natural Nothing

"I hope that's low calorie eye of newt."

"When you've lost fifteen pounds...that's when the refrigerator gets returned!"

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

A Sticky Buns Bakery is positioned next to a gym.

"I want to leave myself some caloric margin of error for dessert."

"Are these prices?" "No, that's our Calorie-fixe menu."

7 brownies worth of exercise.

'I won't tell my thighs if you don't..'

Only 1 calorie per serving: One million servings per can.

'For the first 500 calories of what we are about to receive, make us truly thankful.'

'Diet considerations.'

"If we crunch the numbers, it should have zero calories."

Dieting Motivation.

Sisyphus Sawyer

"I eat a totally plant-based diet and I still can't lose weight."

'I'm putting you on a 'whatever tastes good, don't eat it' diet.'

Extra Rich Cream Cakes

'Good. Then there's no reason to stay on this diet any longer.'

Weight Loss Counselor, out for a 400 calorie lunch.

'I'll have one regular cheese-burger from column 'A', and one negative-calories cheese-burger from column 'B'.'

'This exotic dessert I make is guilt-free. I already burned all the calories running around finding the ingredients!'

Dinosaurs ponder fad dieting prior to extinction.

I've been told I can order a small mocha. Told? Because of my heart rate and activity level over the past seven days, I've been allotted a daily limit of 1,426 calories. I'm told that's just enough to include one small mocha. Hold on … there's vibrating ... Hold on ... hold on ... buffering ... Bing! Fitness overlords says I'm one calorie away from a medium mocha. It says yelling burns one calorie. I've got to get that app.

Joe's Weight Gain: 'Hey, Victoria...I like this diet you told me about yesterday...I just lost 2 more while we've been talking.'

'Do we have any empty calories in this house!!'