Caloric Comedian Gifts

I used to eat plenty of natural foods, but then I found out that most people die of natural causes.

"Extreme miming"

10K Run: Smoker's Lane.

'Nowadays we want all our food to be ethically sourced, Personally I'd be happy if it was all chocolated sauced,'

'What I like best about a magnum of Champagne is, it's a controlled portion.'

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

'According to the weight chart, if you were a condor, you'd have a wingspan of 97 feet.'

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

''Food miles' is a big issue, so I'm reducing the distance my food travels by moving my fridge into the living room.'

'I just got the medium popcorn this time.'

'The customer is always right...'

'The doctor told me to introduce more greens into my diet.'

Looking at belt - "One more notch, room for desert."

Fast Food Dieter

"I'm on a diet, how many calories in a fly?"

'The doctor told me to introduce more greens in my diet.'

Exit. My problem is restaurants have drive-throughs, and fitness centers don't.

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.

'I warned you about stuffing yourself with carbs, didn't I?'

T-shirt reads: 'No Pain, No Pain.'

I grew up vegetarian. Wow. That takes work to stay strong. What motivates you? Hey, lettuce brain! Peer pressure.

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

"Try to eat more coconuts and fish."

Weight Gain Denial

Milk Toast: One of the World's Most Deadly Foods!

'No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food.'

Before and After Holiday Diet

'I'm fat, I eat too much and my blood pressure is high. . . Have a beer and some chips but feel guilty about it.'

"Got anything else? I gave up carbs."

'It's a simple matter of checks and balances: your waistline has spread and your brain has shrunk.'

'I'm afraid I can't accept that excuse Mrs Hart. It isn't possible to inhale second hand calories.'

"Is it working?"

'It's a middle-age spread spread.'

"Nice try Mrs Wimslow"

'Of course they're not working. You're not supposed to have appetite suppressants for dessert.'