Calendar Jester Gifts

"One in four fleas is a leap flea."

"Your wonderful daughter and I would like to become engaged in F.Y. '97, married in F.Y. '98, and if the numbers look good, start a family in F.Y. '99."

"No, Doris, not implants!"

Local rock claims to have been muse for Emily Dickinson poem "I'm that 'little stone' honest to goodness!"

"No, you definitely wouldn't get Christmas Eve off."

Stone Age women were less happy than men at the arrival of the iron age: Look what I've invented just for you darling.

Drunk Barber

"If I survive this holiday, I'm moving to a pond."

"Perhaps it wasn't so wise to bring Frosty along!"

"Could you help me fit nine days work into five and still see my family?"

'Avoid the Christmas rush, drink now.

"We all go a bit crackers over Christmas, just try to pull yourself together."

'Well, the magic of Christmas is officially over, unless it includes waking up to a septic tank backup.'

Man Tries Use Telescope In Observatory As Cannon.

'That was SO worth it!' - Christmas Tree Toppled

Dec. 26

NSA is coming to town.

North Pole.

'I'm not saying that global warming is a reality...'

She realised it would be foolish to start a diet with third cousin Rodney's retirement party due in only 12 years.

"I hate waiting! I know! I'll set this clock back an hour, and then in an hour...I'll move it forward, and 60 minutes will go by in a flash! Of course, we'll have to do this 176 more times."

"Rabbi Mandelbaum?"

"Follow up appointment... the doctor will be retired by then."

"He said, 'Won't you guide my sleigh tonight?' I thought that meant steer."

U.S Airspace missile detection meets Santa

"Mum, I think Grandad's run out of batteries."

The ghost of christmas regifting

Easter Bunny HQ. United States. If all these states can move up their primaries, why can't I move Easter ahead of Valentine's Day?!

"Can't do 3 p.m. — I'm scheduled for a migraine."

Who am I kidding?

Sales chart shows sales going downhill.

'Time management begins with the assumption that time will move slow enough to be managed.'

Mr. Science Times

"Does that mean trick or treaters too?"

'What I like about Christmas is that wonderful feeling of freedom when it's all over.'