Cafeteria Experiences T-Shirts

"The biggest mystery in my life is whether I get a peanut butter and jelly or a tuna fish sandwich!"

"This was a wicked-hard test. I'm pretty sure everybody got a bad grade."

'Which wine goes best with 'the old man and the sea'?'

Wasting away again in Cappuccinoville.

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

'I realize it's not on the menu but I'm on a diet and I'd like an air fern salad.'

'I don't think much to faith school dinners.'

'Is that the smell of fear? Or is it just Meatloaf Monday in the cafeteria?'

Coffee Menu

Tuna Salad, Meat Loaf, Cheese Omelet and Bean Soup

"I'd say business was brisk."

"I didn't realize there was so many different kinds of vegetables!"

A sign outside a bookstore reads: "Meet the people in the bookstore cafe staring at their laptops 2-4 p.m."

"Would you buy the apple pie for me? I'm on the 'No You Don't!' Diet."

'Careful, this used to be hot.'

'It takes all day to eat it.'

"I'm thinking of suing your cafe. I just got a $2,000 dental bill. You should be paying for it." "I'm in here every day and I always order your sugary scones and your sugar-filled lattes." "That's why I had twelve cavities!" "I'll settle out of court for a scone and a latte." "No deal."

"I didn't know they could make so many entrees with vegetables!"

"The early bird may get the worm, but the late bird gets delicious table scraps."

Vending machines: Caffeine, Sugar and Carbs.

"My depression is currently being treated with a combination of prescription medication and low-fat frozen yogurt."

'Eating again. What's happened to your weight lifting?'

High school sophomore Kyle Rimnard tests his theory that cafeteria meatloaf cures acne.

"Herbert, don't! This is a gourmet coffee shop! You order instant de-caf and there's going to be trouble!"

The vow of silence. Some days it was really hard to keep.

"They love me...they really, really love me!"

I know why you're such a greedy, heartless scrooge, Armstrong. It's because deep down, you just want to be loved. But you're afraid of rejection, so you make yourself as unlovable as possible. That's the type of utter nonsense to expect from muscle-bound oaf who hadn't paid his tab in 13 years. I love you too, man. I hope you get audited.

Have you ever sued anyone for slander or libel, Randy? Indeed I have, little buddy. It was 1979. Francis Melba stood up in the middle of the cafeteria and accused me - in front of all the other kids - of being "nothing special." So I stood atop my table, ripped my shirt in two, slowly smoothed out my mustache, and then proceeded to flex my pecs, one at a time. HOJ. The sunlight streaming in through the windows scattered off my bouncing pecs like a disco ball. That's when Melba knew he was toast.

'First you feel shock, then anger, and finally remorse. It's the three stages of grief when buying the tuna sandwich.'

"Somebody found a finger in a salad?!"

"Yesterday's weenies have migrated in with today's nuggets."

'C'mon. Just a few counties can't hurt.'

"At last...after so many missed days...so many cruel days apart...we are together once again!"

"One skinny latte, and is that with almond milk, coconut milk, soya milk..."

"What is friendship if not constant amateurish psychoanalysis?"