Cafeteria Enthusiast T-Shirts

Bad For You: A Restaurant

"My depression is currently being treated with a combination of prescription medication and low-fat frozen yogurt."

One fine evening at the fly-in-my-soup caf

"At last...after so many missed days...so many cruel days apart...we are together once again!"

"Well if bread's free, and gravy's free, how about bread and gravy?"

'C'mon. Just a few counties can't hurt.'

"Look at that brand-new building! I hear it has a cafeteria, a lounge and valet parking! I have to go!"

Drink for me and my hot mamma. Now! We don't serve beer. Latte. Two, punk! Decaf. You don't want to see him angry. Also, low-foam and soy milk would be great. You don't want to see him gassy. Can I get one of those little Twizzler sticks to stir it with? Cube of brown sugar, please. And one nonfat blueberry scone! Two! I'd like to see how John Wayne would've ordered a fancy coffee drink.

'Someone's been tampering with this chicken. It tastes like chicken.'

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"This place is famous for its short fiction about food."

'Is that the smell of fear? Or is it just Meatloaf Monday in the cafeteria?'

Coffee

Swallows returning to Cappuccino.

"I didn't realize there was so many different kinds of vegetables!"

"Would you buy the apple pie for me? I'm on the 'No You Don't!' Diet."

"The biggest mystery in my life is whether I get a peanut butter and jelly or a tuna fish sandwich!"

From now on, coffee is fifteen dollars an hour.

"The early bird may get the worm, but the late bird gets delicious table scraps."

"Of course I love school...but I love no more cafeteria food more."

"I didn't know they could make so many entrees with vegetables!"

"No, we don't have field to plate provenance for each bean."

Holy Ronald Reagan. Do you see who's come into the cafe? Reagan? No, it's Johnny Spinwell. The king of spin! Who? Consultant to politicians, stars, lawyers, corporate execs. No one finds the bright side like Johnny. Pea brain, you stepped on my toe. I got your circulation going to save your heart.

"I'm thinking of suing your cafe. I just got a $2,000 dental bill. You should be paying for it." "I'm in here every day and I always order your sugary scones and your sugar-filled lattes." "That's why I had twelve cavities!" "I'll settle out of court for a scone and a latte." "No deal."

I've got to monitor all chatter in the cafe to prevent future pastry thefts. I don't know … What if you've got a scone thief for a neighbor, or a friend, or even a family member? Sure, today it's just a scone. But the next attack could be huge – the big one! You don't mean … Hoagie. They're trying to destroy our whole way of life.

Vending machines: Caffeine, Sugar and Carbs.

Have you ever sued anyone for slander or libel, Randy? Indeed I have, little buddy. It was 1979. Francis Melba stood up in the middle of the cafeteria and accused me - in front of all the other kids - of being "nothing special." So I stood atop my table, ripped my shirt in two, slowly smoothed out my mustache, and then proceeded to flex my pecs, one at a time. HOJ. The sunlight streaming in through the windows scattered off my bouncing pecs like a disco ball. That's when Melba knew he was toast.

The vow of silence. Some days it was really hard to keep.

"Herbert, don't! This is a gourmet coffee shop! You order instant de-caf and there's going to be trouble!"

'A cafe is just a failed restaurant really, isn't it?'

"They love me...they really, really love me!"

"In addition to the menu, we have a few specials on the board."

"Here's your... neti pot... to share..."

"This conversation is being performed in front of a live audience."

Bookuccino. A melding of book and drink.