Cafeteria Commentator T-Shirts

Stop bothering the patrons. Me? You can't just go saying whatever is on your mind. You can't tell people that coffee makes you sick, or beef is being recalled or that they're bad dressers. It offends people. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend your over sensitive, somewhat feminine nature. That's what I'm talking about! What'd I say?

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"This was a wicked-hard test. I'm pretty sure everybody got a bad grade."

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

'I realize it's not on the menu but I'm on a diet and I'd like an air fern salad.'

'I thought chemistry experiments were after lunch.'

'I don't think much to faith school dinners.'

'We like bright, new employees who aren't afraid to take some risks. By the way... how are those clam fritters?'

'Is that the smell of fear? Or is it just Meatloaf Monday in the cafeteria?'

"Would you buy the apple pie for me? I'm on the 'No You Don't!' Diet."

"I'll have the 'All you can eat from the menu, the kitchen, and the dumpster' special."

"Of course I love school...but I love no more cafeteria food more."

"I didn't know they could make so many entrees with vegetables!"

"I'm thinking of suing your cafe. I just got a $2,000 dental bill. You should be paying for it." "I'm in here every day and I always order your sugary scones and your sugar-filled lattes." "That's why I had twelve cavities!" "I'll settle out of court for a scone and a latte." "No deal."

"The early bird may get the worm, but the late bird gets delicious table scraps."

Vending machines: Caffeine, Sugar and Carbs.

"My depression is currently being treated with a combination of prescription medication and low-fat frozen yogurt."

"They love me...they really, really love me!"

"Herbert, don't! This is a gourmet coffee shop! You order instant de-caf and there's going to be trouble!"

Have you ever sued anyone for slander or libel, Randy? Indeed I have, little buddy. It was 1979. Francis Melba stood up in the middle of the cafeteria and accused me - in front of all the other kids - of being "nothing special." So I stood atop my table, ripped my shirt in two, slowly smoothed out my mustache, and then proceeded to flex my pecs, one at a time. HOJ. The sunlight streaming in through the windows scattered off my bouncing pecs like a disco ball. That's when Melba knew he was toast.

The vow of silence. Some days it was really hard to keep.

'Eating again. What's happened to your weight lifting?'

'First you feel shock, then anger, and finally remorse. It's the three stages of grief when buying the tuna sandwich.'

"Yesterday's weenies have migrated in with today's nuggets."

"At last...after so many missed days...so many cruel days apart...we are together once again!"

'C'mon. Just a few counties can't hurt.'

'No, he's right. Cows have three udders. One for skim milk, one for two percent and the third one's for lactose free.'

"Somebody found a finger in a salad?!"

"What is friendship if not constant amateurish psychoanalysis?"

"We use the cheapest ingredients and pass the savings on to you."

"There's a fly in my soup."

"Well if bread's free, and gravy's free, how about bread and gravy?"

'Chocolate pudding to start...it'll deaden your appetite.'

I suppose you're wondering why I summoned you, minion. Not really, boss. I've noticed a disturbing trend: Bikinis are getting smaller and smaller. So small, in fact, that they no longer hid anything. I think it's about time our caf

'It's called ‘Shared Risk.' You taste the Okra Casserole and I'll try the Tuna Surprise.'