Cafe Frequenter Pillows

"Sorry, I'm the Amazing People Watcher. I'm going all I can."

Cup of tea. You always order that. Why not try something else? Because unlike you and your entire generation, I don

Get your pet monkey out of here! What? Huh? The cafe's electricity is being powered by harnessing anger. Don't you know what pets do to people? Hello cuty schmootie whootie. Rudy, do not even think of getting a kitten. I want $50 and health benefits.

"After years of cartoon rejections, Bill stooped to trying a little shameless product placement."

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"Finches, don't look now, but there's a creepy guy staring at our beaks."

We're here at House of Java cafe at an all-too-familiar scene. House of Java.net Cybercafe. Tommy Jones, a local boy, has been caught stealing a scone. A minor offense? Not to the cafe's proprietor. He's demanding the boy be sentenced as an adult. But I'm eight! Wahhh! Add a year to the sentence for whining and crying.

'Do you have any catsup?'

"Two vegans, please."

Joe's Kaff for Dinners! And Afters Too!

"Your soup is delicious. The broth perfectly compliments the font."

'Which wine goes best with 'the old man and the sea'?'

"She'll have a semi-wizened, double ristretto with a dot of quail's milk - and please recite a poem while you make it."

Drink for me and my hot mamma. Now! We don't serve beer. Latte. Two, punk! Decaf. You don't want to see him angry. Also, low-foam and soy milk would be great. You don't want to see him gassy. Can I get one of those little Twizzler sticks to stir it with? Cube of brown sugar, please. And one nonfat blueberry scone! Two! I'd like to see how John Wayne would've ordered a fancy coffee drink.

"Good morning Rudy. I suppose you're wondering why I've summond you....It's time for your annual performance review...."

Non-Power Breakfast

'Someone's been tampering with this chicken. It tastes like chicken.'

"This place is famous for its short fiction about food."

"I'm spending more time promoting myself than I am being myself."

National Coffee Day

'You've had enough!'

Coffee Menu

Tree Cafe; Free Valet Parking

Ye Old Cafe: No Coffee Today - Sore Arm!

"I've spent all night diluting our negative reviews on Yelp." "Really?" "Yeah. You know how you can usually tell when a business owner does that?" "They post 'reviews' that don't have even a hint of negativity." "Amateurs. Check out the negatives I include: 'House of Java Cafe. I hate it because it's so perfect, it makes the rest of my day feel inadequate.'"

I demand to be recompensed for the 28.47 minutes of my time your café was wasted. What? There are 1500 square feet of seating space in this café. That is room enough for 125 people. 90 percent of Americans own a personal electronic device of some sort. The quotient of that ratio of people to electronic devices is 112.5. Dividing by two produces a quotient of 56.25. So you see, it's obvious why you owe me compensation for my wasted time. I have no idea what you're saying. You only have 55 electri

"We're going to have to think outside the box to boost sales, minion."

Coffee

"I'd say business was brisk."

Minion, I've noticed several of the patrons are working on their laptops, tablets and phones. Yeah, that's what people do in cafes, boss. Are you aware, minion, that states and municipalities regularly tax people who conduct business within their borders? I don't see why the state should have a monopoly on taxation. Do you, minion? Inform the patrons they've missed the cafe's April 15th filing deadline, so there will be penalties. If the government can be "We the People," Armstrong Maynard can b

Tuna Salad, Meat Loaf, Cheese Omelet and Bean Soup

Choice hellhole

Swallows returning to Cappuccino.

Really? You're hiring me back to replace the robot you just replaced me with? I've had a change of heart, minion. It may be cheaper to automate my café. But it dawned on me that robots don't buy very many drinks. Plus, as much as I try to let the bottom line guide me, I am, deep down, a very compassionate man. I couldn't bear the thought of you being poor and miserable. Maybe he's not such a bad man. Plus, one accidental incineration of a customer and the authorities get all weird about it.

"The WiFi password is: 'buysomethingorgetout'."