Business World Humorist Gifts

'This year, executive bonuses are tied to performance. You owe us $50,000.'

'Have your girl get back to my girl.'

"The good news is you’re the only one we’re not firing ... the bad news is you’re the only one to run the department."

'We invest so much money in training staff...it's a mystery to me why businesses would risk losing them.'

'The check is in the email attachment.'

"I'm afraid 'It's a surprise', doesn't cut it as a growth strategy."

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"Peter's Joint Head of Communications."

"If nothing else needs welding, Paula, I'm going to lunch."

"So, we look to the fourth quarter as a time of healing."

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

Spot the difference.

'It's a deal, lets sniff bottoms!'

'Shhhh. Fido inherited seventy percent of this company.'

"This report is mumbo jumbo...I asked for gobbledeeegook!"

"If we can just get beyond this 'I'm the boss' mentality and concentrate on a simple 'What I say goes' outlook, I think this will all work out."

'We're here to carbon date your company's carbon footprint.'

"No training period, but you can purchase my instructional video on line for $49.95."

"Any questions?"

"So then the VP of Sales looks right at me and says 'Larry, what's going on? We don't have any traction in the market.' Like it's MY fault!"

Sign - Halt manager crossing

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."

'We haven't improved quality, but we've made it easier to return.'

"Delegating authority is good. Delegating blame is better."

"We're pleased to announce that your company has shrewdly traded a cow for some magic beans." some ma

"Who gave you permission to ask for a raise?"

Satya Nutella

'You really want that promotion, don't you, Sherman?'

"Brilliant report, I can't tell where the facts and the fiction begins"

'Gentlemen, I've been authorized to sweeten the offer.'

'...and so you see our profits, not unlike Sir Isaac Newton, have felt the effects of gravity.'

"In the event of an actual S.E.C. investigation, legal representation will drop from the ceiling."

'How would you feel about working in a small pond?'

"You can all unroll yourselves now. We're heading back up."

'We earn extra money by renting out your office at night.'