Business Irony Pillows

'According to your resume, you've accomplished very little and left no paper trail. Very impressive.'

"And best of all, it comes fully loaded!"

"Yes, we have a retirement plan. It's called a layoff."

'Don't laugh Ms. Newborn, but I want you to proof this for 'accuracy'.'

'If two wrongs don't make a right...try three.'

Death Boss

"You have a killer resume, Phil, but unfortunately, we have all the dead wood we need right now."

"I'm cutting out a complete layer of management."

'I can live with you not wanting to push the envelope, but your refusal to think outside the box...'

Boardroom cream pies.

'While I'm not looking for the typical 'Yes Man', I want a man who finds it extremely difficult to say 'No' to my suggestions.'

'He always has your back - - - but it's mostly to step on.'

Our large economy size packet hasn't been selling...it's too big to carry home.

"I don't know if they do or not. . . I've never opened it."

'Now that the price of gold is up, we'd like to have your retirement watch back, Boggs.'

'The firm is downsizing, Oglethorpe -- tell everybody to scrunch up.'

"I don't mind out of control spending as long as it's on stuff I like."

'And along with your promotion you get a key to the executive bedroom.'

"I work from home because I can’t stand the sight of idiots." "Is that why you got rid of all our mirrors?"

"Here - I've no use for spreadsheets where I'm going."

'Your request for a motorcycle as your company car was rejected. However, I'm not totally unreasonable. Enjoy!'

'The trick is to make them feel better about themselves without actually paying them any better...'

"On the plus side, you're on the cover of all the major business publications."

'We're streamlining efficiency by cutting the staff we employed to improve efficiency.'

"Well - that's enough from me, I shall now introduce our Head of Pensions..."

'I told you not to take a left out of the office - now we're completely lost!'

"I'm looking for someone who's qualified to cover my mistakes."

The Continuing Adventures of Mel Hufnagel, Corporate Head-Hunter...

'Of course you've got a say in this firm! For example 'Yes, sir!', 'You're right, sir!', 'Aye Aye, sir!' or 'As you like it, sir!'

"We encourage finger pointing in this company."

"Well, certainly his claim seems justified , but if we paid off every justified claim what kind of insurance company would we be?"

"Management think staff need to use their initiative more, and they forwarded a 65 page memo on how they want you to do it."

'We are outsourcing your job to Borneo where it will be performed by a monkey.'

"We had to lay off most of the staff to pay for the consultants."

"Every complaint should be seen as a learning opportunity, today you’re going to learn where to hide them."