Corporate Irony Enthusiasts Pillows

The Continuing Adventures of Mel Hufnagel, Corporate Head-Hunter...

'AT&T? I'm letting you go. I'm down-sizing too!'

"In the event of an actual S.E.C. investigation, legal representation will drop from the ceiling."

'Recent studies in primate colonies suggest that organizational performance can be improved by replacing complicated financial incentives with bananas.'

'Everyone in the company wears one, Yomp! It's what keeps us focused!'

'Stop saying 'how high?' until I say 'jump'.'

"The numbers don't lie . . . but we do."

"When the company announced that they're gonna move our retirement accounts down to Mexico, I was like '401 Que Pasa?'"

Water company bonus.

You can fool some of the people all of the time - "Send in some of the people, Dorothy."

"Sorry, we don't hire people with a history of whistle blowing."

'Don't laugh Ms. Newborn, but I want you to proof this for 'accuracy'.'

Pillaging, formerly Acquisitions Department

'If two wrongs don't make a right...try three.'

'We're very proud of you, Jenkins. Keep up the good work.'

'Natalie, would you please bring me the buzzword du jour?'

News for Sale

"However, we're doing rather well, according to uninformed sources."

"I'll tell you what I'm looking for! I'm looking for a yes man, Jenson. Do you think you could fit that bill?"

'We want you to take the hindmost.'

"People, the facts are inescapable. Any ideas on how we can ignore them?"

'Once again you have exceeded my expectations.'

'I know it's easy to blame others. That's why I do it.'

"This just in! Due to downsizing, the mega-merger of Consolidated Industries and Humungous Corporation has been changed to a simple bankruptcy."

'It was my unfair dismissal claim cap.'

'He always has your back - - - but it's mostly to step on.'

"Get someone to make the slot bigger."

The Genghis Khan School of Business Skills

"I don't know if they do or not. . . I've never opened it."

Corporate Flow Charts/Ladders

'This year, Sire, I've created a socko narrative of scatological raillery and rollicking nihilism which ends with a sexy justification for third quarter losses.'

Our large economy size packet hasn't been selling...it's too big to carry home.

'And as my chart clearly shows, I haven't got a clue what I'm talking about.'

"I don't mind out of control spending as long as it's on stuff I like."

"You know, maybe he's not the small-business man he claims to be."