Ironies Of Business Pillows

"Never forget our mission statement 'It's not our fault.'"

"This is a merit-based organization! Can't you see I’ve hired the very best and most qualified yes-men money can buy?"

"We need to make some cuts. We'll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

"And best of all, it comes fully loaded!"

"You weren't expecting a walrus, right?"

"Yes, we have a retirement plan. It's called a layoff."

Our Founder picture of a caveman: 'We're a very, very old firm.'

'If two wrongs don't make a right...try three.'

The Corporate Trust: 'Since we have an agreement of transparency with the feds, I don't need to remind all of you that this meeting never happened.'

"'Start a company, make money.' Your business plan may be missing a few steps in the middle."

"I'm cutting out a complete layer of management."

Death Boss

"You have a killer resume, Phil, but unfortunately, we have all the dead wood we need right now."

'I can live with you not wanting to push the envelope, but your refusal to think outside the box...'

"I'm so glad you decided to participate in our Money for Employment program."

Boardroom cream pies.

'Gentlemen we need more growth.'

"Here we mark our data points, but the real fun is connecting the dots!"

"Welcome to Randolph, Vermont. Don't even think of relocating here!"

'Now that the price of gold is up, we'd like to have your retirement watch back, Boggs.'

'The firm is downsizing, Oglethorpe -- tell everybody to scrunch up.'

'I was like you once Pearson. Efficient, forward leaning and with a clear strategic vision. Then I made senior management.'

'Of course, in the long term we're all extinct.'

'While I'm not looking for the typical 'Yes Man', I want a man who finds it extremely difficult to say 'No' to my suggestions.'

"Productivity may be up but I miss seeing people miserable."

'And along with your promotion you get a key to the executive bedroom.'

"Guess who's going to be on national television apologizing to the American public."

'The trick is to make them feel better about themselves without actually paying them any better...'

"Here - I've no use for spreadsheets where I'm going."

'Your request for a motorcycle as your company car was rejected. However, I'm not totally unreasonable. Enjoy!'

"No, no, your job's not going out of the country to some foreign bastard. We're just firing you."

"On the plus side, you're on the cover of all the major business publications."

"Ambitions... to fly away to a tropical paradise."

'Here's a composite of our target consumer.'