Bump Embracer Pillows

"Does my bump look big in this"

'Don't look at me. I'm not the one who puts the measuring cups where I can't reach them.'

Ultra-lazy sloth

After many years of wavering Dennis finally makes the decision to step out of his comfort zone.

"I live for the moment. That moment just happens to be in the indefinite future."

Some of us are calm on the surface but paddling like crazy underneath, and some of us are just the opposite.

Anxiety of Change

"But Herman, we can't just throw in the towel like that."

The shape of things to come

'He's doing it again.'

"We tried healthy birthday treats. That lasted about a week."

Fortune teller predicts a bigger family for worried parents.

'Of course things change: our fathers were replaced by machines - we'll be replaced with new software.'

Man rummaging through a TV set throwing out bits of paper

"Sure, I could hold your hand during down markets...but it wouldn't help you learn how to embrace failure."

Impractical Guide to Having Babies: 'OAP Licence'

"Teacher believes in performance-enhancing hugs."

"Are you tempting fate with poor diet and little exercise?" "Tempting it"? I'm surprised we haven't been charged with entrapment.

'And she's got the gall to call me chubby.' - Hubert's comment on a pregnancy.

New Normal

"Over here, Phyllis. I've moved to the center."

Feel good loser. NON WINNER

Salman Rushdie

'Hurray! I'm a baby!'

'Congratulations, your days of avoiding the real world are finally over.'

'The gardener in him sold out to the nature-conservationist.'

'I'm putting you on a forced exercise program of walking. Hand over your driver's license!'

Organised Crime / Disorganised Crime

"You look amazing for someone who's just woken up!"

Are you ever worried people will see all the stuff you put online? Not at all … because I don't put anything online. I'm not on Facebook, I'm not on Twitter, and I conduct all my business in person so they can be charmed by the twinkle in my mustache. You are looking at a man who's totally off the grid, little buddy. It's like talking to a Neanderthal. I also shave with a razor-sharp sliver of granite my grandfather bequeathed unto me.

The elbow pump has replaced the handshake. In another context, that sentence you said could describe an odd sequence of medical conditions.

"Make it sassy, Jim."

'I'll buy them if you let me carry them out in a size '5' box?'

Turning my life around.

"Okay, you're right! It's impossible to repack sardines!"