Brooding Expert Gifts

"Here's a free tip for you, kid: learn how to brood. Most people in the world mistake it for depth."

"It's true, mommy...the chocolate bunny attacked me - it was self-defense!"

"I wish they'd never discovered fertility drugs!"

"Yes, he was very nice, Mom, but he had to cut the date short because it was... 'report card time'!"

Uterus: One size fits all.

'Is it okay to apologize for something I'm going to do?'

Sometimes nature not only calls; she makes an emergency breakthrough.

In the club.

Look at it this way: You're changing the future of the nation...one diaper at a time!

'Dad, I don't need a two-thirds majority to over-ride your veto. I've got mom.'

"Now you know how Daddy feels when Mommy overdraws the checkbook."

"Don't make me turn this covered wagon around!"

Penguin kid to parents: 'Big deal! You're grounding me!'

'If you're happy to demand feed we'll get along just fine.'

"You know you have to wait an hour after eating before getting out of the water, young man!"

"Trust me, with me in charge, your kid will behave and be safe..."

Mom and Dad Really Lose It - 1/4 Mile.

"Are we there yet?"

'My own debit card would really be a great way to teach me the value of a dollar.'

Mommy and daddy Are Always Right!

'We now feel it's best that baby keeps her security blanket until she's old enough for a cell phone.'

"...We said a natural birth, not a naturist birth!"

'No we are not there yet, we're just leaving our drive!'

Womb for Kids

"I trust I don't get them mixed up. The midwife will be weraing a badge. Mum will be wearing a sigh of relief."

"Amazing. For the fifth consecutive month the polling shows I'm the most popular foetus here."

'I'm qualified to deal with any traumatic event because I've raised five children.'

'No need to make a judgement, King Solomon, we can run a DNA test.'

"Any chance you could come back in ten months?"

"Everyone's waiting to have babies, so I had to pick up a side gig."

'Sorry dear, I have to go straight to work tomorrow.'

"What changed? I once said a bad word when I was real little, and everyone laughed!"

Kids, kids. Did you forget it was Mother's Day again?

'I should have listened to my mother. . . when she said you were immature.'

'But darling, instinct only gets you so far in life: You need to go to school as well...'