Bride-to-be Humorist Gifts

'I'm on my way!'

'I'm sorry, Ma'am, but we don't do bridal showers.'

What's the matter, baby? Henry says he's an atheist, Mum. He doesn't believe in hell. Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is.

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

"The wedding cake as holy sacrament"

'I now pronounce you man and wife, you now may kiss you sweet little bachelor butt goodbye.'

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

'He does.'

',,, and if anyone knows of a reason why these two should not be married, let them storm this castle with pitchforks and torches or forever hold their peace,'

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

'How about joining us for a soda and pizza after the ceremony?'

'No, but thanks for asking,'

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

"I do. Have your people contact my people to hammer out the details."

"What's this for poorer stuff?"

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.'

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

"Excuse me, Reverend, but what, exactly, do you have to do to get a drink around here?"

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

"Do you think someday we'll look back on this and laugh?"

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

'Wait a minute -- you haven't said anything about a retirement age.'

"First, I'll read the minutes from your last weddings."

Bride is angry, as she notices that the groom figure on the cake is drunk.

Bride with a ventriloquist's dummy.

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

"If either of you know any cause or impediment why you should not be married, INCLUDING YouTube CLIPS, declare it now."

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

'I didn't know the church sold an extended warrenty on marriage?'

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

The Aisle

'And by clicking on 'I Agree,' you agree to the terms and conditions...'

Australian wedding, sheep gesturing, 'If there's anybody here who knows why these two should not be wed...'

"Congratulations, dude, and you may now play tonsil hockey with the bride."