Brand-name Buster Gifts

He knew it. She was cheating on him again. Buying brand-name products and putting them in bulk containers. You know, just to appear thrifty.

The Jeopardy of Progress

"I just found a unicorn! Apparently, they just want to be left alone."

"You need to lose 20 cable channels."

Basketball Tourney. Ernie, you're crushing everybody in the office basketball pool! You've picked the winner of every game so far! It's amazing because you don't know a thing about basketball. For you, picking the winner of every tournament game is like correctly guessing a coin flip sixty seven times in a row! No, I have a system! It seems everybody has an opinion about the tourney so I listened to what my investment advisor thought about the teams. And with his record of picking winners

'It's a rare generic defect. To put it bluntly, you have no brand loyalty.'

'How damp is this place? Let me put it this way: I use mold and mildew remover as a skin care product.'

I've got a problem – with me. Counseling costs extra. I always hated BMW owners. But one day I woke up and realized I drive a Saab. People who vacation in the Hamptons give me hives, but I've got a summer spot in Santa Cruz. I protested against big corporate oil companies … wearing a North Face jacket and Nike high tops! Don't you realize what I've become? I'm an upwardly mobile hippy! Death to the huppy. Hates fancy coffee drinks, loves soy milk.

Killing Santa

'Thrower here has always been one to push the envelope.'

"What part of this don't you understand?"

Back to school expenses.

'Lucy just flew in from Adland.'

Warning.

Holy Water and Ice Blocks

"...It's just that I feel I've become typecast."

"I'm doing 9 to 5."

'I'm sensing you may still have some boundary issues.'

"Why do you think we need a humidifier?"

"No, you come in on four."

Bio-Lab. I just discovered a bacteria that wipes out all the other bacteria. "The Germinator."

'Let's give him a couple more minutes, but it looks like we've got ourselves a bum who can't fight his way out of a paper bag.'

Career in a rut? Call ********* The recruitment specialists.

"He's stopped waiting for Brexit and moved on with his life."

For Timely Filing

Car exhaust as a monster

"We already demolished that!"

Control Freaks Without Borders

'How many of our spouses has this maniac taken?? We end the reign of terror today!!'

"I busted unions for 30 years until the company tossed me out without a pension."

'New, are we?'

'I didn't think it was possible to break dance to Perry Como!'

Conformity, Equality, Anarchy.