Brainy Jokesters Pillows

"If we only use 10% of our brains, how am I supposed to get passing grades?"

Children disturbing a heart rate reading.

'You must have been wearing your beer googles.'

'Eureka! After months of research and formulating algorithms, I've done it... I've discovered the secret to 'being cool'!'

Extremely Practical Jokes.

"But you didn't say they had to make sense - you just told us to write a thousand words a day."

Death comes to both the Archbishop and the Salesman in Venice

"Don't forget the nucleus has mass."

"What are you trying to tell me, girl? Are you hungry? You’re not hungry? The squirrels are skinny-dipping in the pool? Cats are making a hook rug out of your bed? You dug up Jimmy Hoffa?!" "Mitch liked messing with his dog's head."

Man on desert island using elastic to shoot him off the island.

Hey boss, that generic soap you gave me isn't really cleaning the cups. Mind if I go get some brand name stuff? Are you insane? There's zero difference between generic and brand name products. Corporate America just cons people into thinking "you get what you pay for." Don't be a stooge, Rudy. Don't fall for it. Now get in there and scrub those cups, minion! Strike a blow for the little guy against corporate lies! Wait ... I'm very confused. Are you a right-winger or a left-winger? You mean in w

Look! Up in the sky! It's absurd! It's inane! Malaprop Man! I hear you told people in England you're royalty. Yeah, at first they didn't realize that I was only Joe King. I was an error to the throne who rained for forty days and forty knights. It's disappointing though that I never got to see a pig riding contest at Bucking Ham palace. And I never met Sherlock Holmes. He's the guy who followed the foot prince!

"Let's see how brave you are without your gun."

Broad Minded

"I'm disabling autocorrect, because it reminds me too much of my mother-in-law."

'At the moment, it's only weakness is flypaper.' - (spyplane research dept.)

"He was right about saving that box. It did come in handy."

The Scientist

Relativity explained; the woman on the train will always appear more attractive than the woman on the platform.

How do bright women get pregnant?

'When I asked for funding of my rooster egg laying research, I was told the chick is in the male.'

'We're having the whole place done over in pistachio!'

A Please Wipe Your Feet mat with words mixed up at the Dyslexic clinic.

Calculator Jokes

European Thinkers (2): 'Surf's up!'

"About 77,000 years ago the human lineage split into two branches. Homo sapiens sapiens and Homo stupidicus dumbelsii."

"It's heartbreaking. He blew out his arm training for the season's big modern art exhibit, and he hasn't been able to get anything in the strike zone since then!"

Everything was fine until Becky's little sister decided to skip double.

The Broken Clock That Is Wrong Twice A Day

"Enjoying a sudden decrease in vision and hearing, are we, Horndog? Well, guess who's enjoying a headache!"

With the brain being next to the ears, Ernie's started dwearing plugs --- He's heard "intelligence leaks" have been a big problem recently.

'Your car keys are under the sofa, and you like to wear women's shoes.'

Downloading personal items on the company laptop.

"The Man Who Knew Enough"

Man lies online saying that he is not married and his wife hits him over the head with her rolling pin.