Boys Night In Pillows

'You'll be pleased to know that I'm staying in tonight,my love.

This cream won't get rid of cellulite...it just makes it easier to slide into your jeans.

"I always thought I'd be good at getting drunk and crying on camera for Bravo."

"Gals, you know I hate being the center of attention, so for the next 45 minutes I am going to monologue about all the minute details of my wedding planning."

Karataoke

Joe's 'Talent-Optional' Karaoke Bar

"Tonight I'm getting together with pals to sit around and croak."

"Pssst! I had some CGI done."

'I'm looking forward to parents' night. I'm going to ask these people their diet secrets.'

In addition to brilliant grades and perfect SATs � Parents' night. College admissions. Your child should excel at 3 sports and lead a school extra-curricular like the newspaper. Don't the arts count? Sure! If your child sings, for example � A part on 'Glee' or in the Metropolitan Opera would certainly help. Our kids are doomed.

"You're going to regret this in the morning."

"We'd love to come, but we can't seem to find a sitter."

Playing cards.

"At our age we should be moisturizing." "Honey, we started years ago... with our lips."

Parent Involvement Tip #1

'I'm looking for male bonding, but I'm a little rusty.'

"Your shout!"

You have had enough

"Let's see now - have we got everything?"

"Hey. We’re in the doghouse every night. That’s the beauty of it."

"Oh yes, I'm still on the juice diet...this one just happens to be fermented."

"I'd like my son seated in the first row."

'Mind throwing him back? It's his round...'

''Fancy a quick pint?'

Wide screen TV

"Glad I had a pretzel before leaving the house; I'd hate to drink all that on an empty stomach."

'I was talking to that George Clooney yesterday. He is SUCH a name-dropper.'

"Let's have refreshments on parents' night. These people need nourishment."

"Hey! He must be watering down the beer.This is our fifth pint and we're still not talking rubbish."

Wife uses guillotine to trap husband sneaking in late at night.

"How was the cocktail, Sir, enough vodka?"

"Am I sexy yet?"

"The babysitter wants to know where you keep your vodka?"

Next Round indicator

"We're not too concerned about him not graduating. We've only made it to tenth grade so we're already proud."