Bowl Or Floor Humorist Pillows

'Of course you have a choice. You can have it in your bowl...or on the floor...what's it to be, Mister Choosey?'

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

''ere - I thought you said your pans were non-stick!'

"He could have been the national bird, but that was a long, long time ago."

"Hey, pal, let's hear 'Doggie in the Window' again, and this time play it like you mean it!"

"Canadian Mt. ‘Rush’more"

"War is hell and so is this soup."

Wok. Don't Wok.

'Be honest. Does this double bacon cheeseburger with large fries and shake make me look fat?'

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

"I was going to play the Moonlight Sonata, but I forgot the key."

Cake Free Zone

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

"This next one is my own quirky rendition of Berlioz's 'Symphonie Fantastique,' Movement 5, 'Dream of a Witches' Sabbath.'"

Radiator jazz player

I'm freshwater. Make it a margarita without salt.

"Not now, my love. I'm feeling preminstrel."

"I'll have the spaghetti, does that come on toast?"

'I think it's more than a coincidence that I discover fire, and my wife discovers burnt food on the same day.'

Garlic Free Zone.

"What other tricks does he need?"

'I was in the catering corps.'

"The salad should be delicious. We ordered it with lots of extra bacon bits."

'Barb had her stomach replaced with a mouse's stomach to help her eat less.'

"Waiter, there's a hare in my salad!"

"I thought it would be appropriate to have a band playing as we went down."

'I take it that the birthday cake is for this old trout you just served me?'

The Phantom Of The Garden

"They'll be expecting adagio. Go with the allegro."

'Will I have to be a mum when I grow up?'

Opera singer singing to her partner who is wearing a gas mask on due to her bad breath.

Guitar pickin'

'Look, I know it's artificial orange, but you're sick, I say, sick.'

Amy Sedaris

Cupcake jumps out of cake.