Baking Humorist Pillows

"It's choux pastry, not shoe pastry!"

"I'm your surrogate mother, son. I just provided the oven."

'The thought of your biscuits brings a lump to my throat.'

"Why didn't you think of that before I put on the icing?"

Cake Free Zone

'I think the salmon is thoroughly smoked.'

'Mildred-thy milk runneth over!'

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

''ere - I thought you said your pans were non-stick!'

"That's it. We’re toast."

Soup of the month.

"War is hell and so is this soup."

Wok. Don't Wok.

Lesser known greek gods,

'Be honest. Does this double bacon cheeseburger with large fries and shake make me look fat?'

"You're lost. This is Mom's apple pie."

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

'The Burrito King.'

'Take of the fruit and eat . . . Well, peanuts actually.'

The British Territory of the South Sandwich Islands.

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

"All the butter was gone. There was no way out. The puff pastry had to be made with margarine... from a tub."

'I think I'll go home and eat'

"No thanks, I'm stuffed."

'Lining my pockets with aluminum foil so I can sneak Thanksgiving leftovers home.'

'I think it's more than a coincidence that I discover fire, and my wife discovers burnt food on the same day.'

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

"I'll have the spaghetti, does that come on toast?"

Garlic Free Zone.

'Yes, I am impressed at how fast you got here, but where's my pizza?'

"Can you turn these mashed potatoes into french fries?"

'I was in the catering corps.'

'Hey, pal... do you have a wine that tastes like beer?'

"The salad should be delicious. We ordered it with lots of extra bacon bits."