Baking Humorist Pillows

"It's choux pastry, not shoe pastry!"

Financial Consultant. What a mess! I thought I was on a roll, but it turned out to be more like a sticky bun!

"I'm your surrogate mother, son. I just provided the oven."

Athletic Supporter of the Year

'The thought of your biscuits brings a lump to my throat.'

"Why didn't you think of that before I put on the icing?"

Cake Free Zone

'I think the salmon is thoroughly smoked.'

'Mildred-thy milk runneth over!'

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

''ere - I thought you said your pans were non-stick!'

Soup of the month.

"That's it. We’re toast."

Wok. Don't Wok.

Lesser known greek gods,

"War is hell and so is this soup."

'Be honest. Does this double bacon cheeseburger with large fries and shake make me look fat?'

"You're lost. This is Mom's apple pie."

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

'The Burrito King.'

"All the butter was gone. There was no way out. The puff pastry had to be made with margarine... from a tub."

The British Territory of the South Sandwich Islands.

"The meatloaf just tapped S.O.S. in Morse code."

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

'Take of the fruit and eat . . . Well, peanuts actually.'

'I think I'll go home and eat'

"No thanks, I'm stuffed."

'Lining my pockets with aluminum foil so I can sneak Thanksgiving leftovers home.'

I'm freshwater. Make it a margarita without salt.

Garlic Free Zone.

"I'll have the spaghetti, does that come on toast?"

'I think it's more than a coincidence that I discover fire, and my wife discovers burnt food on the same day.'

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

'Yes, I am impressed at how fast you got here, but where's my pizza?'