Botox Gifts

Do you think I'm sixty?

"Has anyone seen the dog?"

"Can you make me look like Wolverine?"

"Microwave to replace gas or oil central heating?" "Yes. Think how cheap it is to microwave a cup of tea!"

'Well, we always go to the same place for our holidays, so yes, we kind of migrate too...'

As the world emerges from the last ice age Ug & Og discuss a historic agreement to reduce CO2 emissions from woolly mammoth barbecues.

'Wrinkles can't breathe in mud.'

Bed Seasons

'He works out aggression by bayoneting the leaves.'

Weatherman: "Tonight's weather forecast is confusing, followed tomorrow by downright bewildering."

The sea 2050.

"Eternally youthful complexion? Here's the deal. Never go out in the sun. Never eat dessert. And, for God's sake, don't smile."

A guide to seasons in the North East

"We're freaky February hares, the mad march ones have vanished due to global warming."

'Mom's Spa'

'Apply that ointment as directed and call me if the growth does not reduce or it starts to talk.'

"I've been dumping bodies here for years, and it seems to me that the sea level is rising."

"If they do let anyone go I don't think age will be a consideration. You shouldn't kill yourself trying to look younger than you are."

"Uh-oh - climate change."

"If she's a write off can you let me know the scrap value?"

The Tragedy of Prosperity

'What I call a miracle drug is one that doesn't start a government investigation.'

'Hey, look. This anti hair loss treatment is finally working. My hair's stopped falling out!'

Dr. and Mrs. Steven Mueller.

'It makes you look fifty years younger.'

'My hair is so bad I have to cut it myself. I tried going to a hair salon once - they just yelled at it.'

Complete Makeover

"I can Botox it, but I don’t want to freeze up my sixth chakra."

Supermarket Merge

'The Board's meeting at nine O'clock - you bring the smoke, I'll bring the mirrors.'

'Slices Mandy! Just slices!'

"We're deploying our solar geoengineering mirrors, not only to reflect sunlight and cool the planet, but also to be the coolest."

'Our ratings are down. Let's blame it on the media.'

'Who did you have lick your hair?'

"Apricot pit?! Are you kidding, Mister? This stuff knocks raw avocado and almond nut outta the water!!!"