Botox Gifts

Do you think I'm sixty?

"Has anyone seen the dog?"

"Can you make me look like Wolverine?"

"Microwave to replace gas or oil central heating?" "Yes. Think how cheap it is to microwave a cup of tea!"

As the world emerges from the last ice age Ug & Og discuss a historic agreement to reduce CO2 emissions from woolly mammoth barbecues.

'Well, we always go to the same place for our holidays, so yes, we kind of migrate too...'

'Wrinkles can't breathe in mud.'

'He works out aggression by bayoneting the leaves.'

Weatherman: "Tonight's weather forecast is confusing, followed tomorrow by downright bewildering."

"Eternally youthful complexion? Here's the deal. Never go out in the sun. Never eat dessert. And, for God's sake, don't smile."

The sea 2050.

A guide to seasons in the North East

"We're freaky February hares, the mad march ones have vanished due to global warming."

'Mom's Spa'

'Apply that ointment as directed and call me if the growth does not reduce or it starts to talk.'

"If they do let anyone go I don't think age will be a consideration. You shouldn't kill yourself trying to look younger than you are."

"If she's a write off can you let me know the scrap value?"

"Uh-oh - climate change."

"I've been dumping bodies here for years, and it seems to me that the sea level is rising."

The Tragedy of Prosperity

'What I call a miracle drug is one that doesn't start a government investigation.'

'My hair is so bad I have to cut it myself. I tried going to a hair salon once - they just yelled at it.'

'It makes you look fifty years younger.'

Complete Makeover

'Hey, look. This anti hair loss treatment is finally working. My hair's stopped falling out!'

Dr. and Mrs. Steven Mueller.

"I can Botox it, but I don’t want to freeze up my sixth chakra."

'Slices Mandy! Just slices!'

'The Board's meeting at nine O'clock - you bring the smoke, I'll bring the mirrors.'

'Our ratings are down. Let's blame it on the media.'

"We're deploying our solar geoengineering mirrors, not only to reflect sunlight and cool the planet, but also to be the coolest."

'Well, shoot. Now Uncle Hector's caught in the ice! It's enough to make you want to move to Florida.'

"Mrs. Barnes is to have a complete head-to-toe – she's to be the victim in a bandage-instruction class."

Missing Daylight: So dark. So cold.