Boastful Barker Gifts

'He's a very superior dog. Even his fleas have pedigrees!'

Bitchbark Canoe

"Ever feel like even when you're barking at something you're still barking at nothing?"

'You do a passable Jerry Lewis, but your Frank Sinatra stinks.'

"My owner is teaching me to think before barking, which gave Federal Express plenty of time to clobber me."

'He's been back packing around India and doesn't he want everyone to know it.'

'In my experience, life is good most of the time, but come the holidays, they look at me as if I'm a nuisance...'

"Time! Ladies and gentlemen please, for yet another probe into the brewing industry"

"Step right up, lady and gents, and scoop yourself a heaping helping of the best spicy meat and bean stew this side of the mighty Mississippi!"

"Don’t worry. You’re looking at the Frederick H. Tuttle Middle School long-jump champion."

"No, I did not sniff you!"

'Sure you always catch bigger fish than me. Your arms are a foot longer than mine.'

'Don't forget to talk about their dog!'

'I know what you're thinking, honey, it's out of our price range but, wait till you see the size of the mailman's leg on this route!'

I was allowed to chew this. But not that

"Hang on a second! This nutcase is allowed on the furniture, but I'm not?!"

"But the best thing about getting neutered, Gus, is that I'm finally able to focus on my novel-in-progress without any distractions!"

Albatross bragging about his latest catch...

'I bark, therefore I am.'

'And that's only the size of the fly.'

'I still have all my own teeth but my head is false.'

'See! I told you my dad is a boxer!'

Mothers. . . have no shame.

'I'm pretty sure she's talking to you - yes, you!'

Introspection (To woof or not to woof...)

Missing Persons - 'Can you describe him.'

"Tonight: date with an angel: gonna meet her at seven: be on my way to heaven. Get the picture, Bob?"

'Next, go to the 'Guard' menu and select 'Bark.''

'I always bark for no reason whatever.'

"Have you ever thought about climbing the highest mountain?"

"You used to fetch a newspaper? What's a newspaper?"

'Look out... here comes the Trumpet Voluntary.'

"Do you have anything other than dog roles, I don't want him to get type cast."