Boardroom Wits Gifts

"Okay, we've donated to the Food Bank, Feed the Hungry, Food for Life, Hunger Helpers, Starving World, Second Helpings. . . is anyone else getting hungry?"

'If I had to use one word to describe our strategy.'

Golly, �1m a year isn't too much. I don't know why your shareholders don't understand you.

"I was hoping this presentation would be more interesting upside down."

'It's a chart of office morale. This is where you went on vacation.'

"In recognition of last month's little upward blip, I suggest we allow ourselves a spontaneous victory fist bump."

"How's everybody doing? I'm not boring you, am I?"

"If I might be serious for a moment..."

"Now that I have everyone's attention..."

Bo're'droom

'And I'm happy to say, that since the merger...'

'The good news is we're projecting a profit. The bad news is none of us will be alive then.'

He was destined for greatness. Whatever that meant.

"Mr. Johnson, Bob is kicking me under the table!"

'Great news this quarter! Losses are up in smoke, profits are high, and we're seeing lots of green!'

"My report to the board was perfect. They did not understand a word of it and now think I'm smarter than them."

'The good news is, we did as well as expected last quarter. The bad news is, we didn't expect to do too well.'

'I went into that meeting with a hidden agenda and then forgot where I put it.'

'Now that we've defined 'happy deficits' let's try it out on the stockholders.'

"Tell the vice presidents they've downsized enough."

'I've given a lot of thought to giving some thought to your latest proposal.'

'I've stepped on so many people for the last 20 years to get where I'm at, and I'm still only a middle manager.'

'Congratulations Smith, you got that promotion. Commiserations Reid, you got that demotion.'

The Importance of Planning Thoroughly in Advance

'How about we just sit here a while to regulate the gaps in our service?..'

'All those in doubt, raise your eyebrows.'

"That's unanimous then - we don't know what to do."

"At least we are consistently inconsistent."

"May I offer a very different scenario?"

'Well, I'm not very satisfied with our customers, either.'

'I want ideas so bold, so wildly innovative, so undeniably brilliant that they retain a shred of originality after everyone picks them to pieces.'

"That's a very difficult problem to address, Ted, could you restate it as a solution?"

Stand-up comic/ceo: 'A funny thing happened on the way to the board meeting...'

Although not felt by everone, Wanda's powrful jargon sent seismic shock waves through some of the more geologically unstable department in the organization.

"The good news is we've used up all our bad ideas."