Boardroom Critic Gifts

"We need to make some cuts. We’ll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

I dread to think what he would have got had they made a profit.

'Do you think, perhaps, that we could start shooting for a few longer-term goals around here?'

Golly, �1m a year isn't too much. I don't know why your shareholders don't understand you.

'That's our mission statement.'

'When we get there let me do the double talking.'

'The good news is we're projecting a profit. The bad news is none of us will be alive then.'

'No, it's not really good - that's our lawsuits-to-earnings ratio.'

He was destined for greatness. Whatever that meant.

"The new chairman has dropped the brain-storming meetings."

'Great news this quarter! Losses are up in smoke, profits are high, and we're seeing lots of green!'

"Would anyone like to question my downsizing proposal?"

'The good news is, we did as well as expected last quarter. The bad news is, we didn't expect to do too well.'

'I've stepped on so many people for the last 20 years to get where I'm at, and I'm still only a middle manager.'

'An exxpert team set up a team of special consultants, that then set up a committee whose members asked their 7 year old kids. Now 14 months later they've concluded we're not efficient enough.'

'Our problem is how to lower quality while raising prices...'

'We've just become the biggest corporation in America.. let's celebrate today and begin downsizing tomorrow.'

"Well, either you're hopelessly optimistic or hopelessly short-sighted."

'I really wish you guys would knock that off.'

"In a further effort to increase profits, control costs and satisfy shareholders, we've decided to steal stuff."

'I give this one about three months...'

"We offer a generous flex time policy - you can work your 90 hours per week any way you'd like."

The Importance of Planning Thoroughly in Advance

XYZ Inc, putting a folksy, human face on unfettered corporate greed for over 50 years.

'Congratulations Smith, you got that promotion. Commiserations Reid, you got that demotion.'

"The Supreme Court says a corporation is a 'person?' Well, have you ever tried to take a corporation out for a nice, friendly beer?"

Desk plaque: 'P. Burnside, Upper-Echelon Nincompoop'

'If you have nothing to do don't come round here and do it.'

"May I offer a very different scenario?"

'Well, I'm not very satisfied with our customers, either.'

"Brandon isn't adapting well to the open office concept."

'Sorry, I can't give you a raise. However, I can offer you a splendid opportunity to share the profits.'

Suggestions box in a toilet.