Bleacher Fan Gifts

'You both know the rules -- walk 1 paces, turn, and tee off on each other.'

Coach to football players: 'And no cuddling!'

'They were hoping to gradually introduce him to the pro game, but injuries left them no choice.'

'Yes! The momentum's going to shift now. Our home fan is starting to make some noise!'

'Oh, and this ringtone is an app that alerts me when a fly ball is headed my way.'

'Let's throw ball. Running game not working.'

"Sir, you're not on the list - we've checked it twice."

Vendor selling testosterone.

'Anderson! On this team we slap hands or slap fannies after someone scores a run. We do not slap faces.'

'...'Fire the coach'...'Fire the coach'...'Fire the coach'...'

Bench clearing brawl, $5.

'Lungs, normal. Heart, normal. Kidneys, normal. For the life of me, I can't figure out where your pain is coming... wait. Do you play hockey?'

'I'll take the one on the right.'

"Whoa. Check it out, Doug. Your ex-wife is sitting right below us with that dolt she ran off with..."

'He's not a skilled pitcher. In fact, he throws like a nerd...'

'Frank's last request was that he be cremated and that I never give up his season tickets.'

Blue Blazer Cocktail.

Fan-Centric Stadium

"As fans we are smart enough to understand the game, but not smart enough to realize how unimportant it really is."

'...So what if all the other parents screamed at the umpire?...'

'Shake it off, Dewey! Getting hit by a pitch is as good as a single!'

'Both benches have emptied, and now the brawl is spreading to the spectators!'

'My pitcher needs to get fired up by the home crowd. Pass the collection basket.'

'I hired a local guide. He knows every square inch of this stadium...'

'Whoa! Don't try to be a hero. It's too late for Dan, but let this be a lesson...'

'Time out!'

No Strike Zone Man.

'There was a time when I considered making myself available for the NBA draft. But one day I realized, hey - I'm a slug! I don't have an athletic bone in my body!'

Spring, 1998: The world of sports is paralyzed by an equipment managers' strike.

'Upon further review, the ruling on the field is upheld. The catch was totally constitutional. Touchdown!'

'I knew this would happen. The scorekeeper and time-clock official have been throwing elbows and talking trash the entire game.'

'Hey! This isn't a sold-out crowd! It's just a bunch of cartoon humps symbolizing a sold-out crowd!'

'Foul ball!!'

'Yo, Bob! I think a heckler just nailed me with something. What's on my back?'

Stadium usher of the month.