Bleacher Believer Gifts

'I hired a local guide. He knows every square inch of this stadium...'

'I told you these were great seats, but there is a downside. If you need to go to the restroom...'

'They were hoping to gradually introduce him to the pro game, but injuries left them no choice.'

'Oh, and this ringtone is an app that alerts me when a fly ball is headed my way.'

'Yes! The momentum's going to shift now. Our home fan is starting to make some noise!'

"Mainstream? Who's to say what's mainstream?"

'You both know the rules -- walk 1 paces, turn, and tee off on each other.'

Vendor selling testosterone.

'Anderson! On this team we slap hands or slap fannies after someone scores a run. We do not slap faces.'

"Ever notice how grateful people are when you present them with facts contrary to their beliefs?"

Bench clearing brawl, $5.

'...'Fire the coach'...'Fire the coach'...'Fire the coach'...'

'Lungs, normal. Heart, normal. Kidneys, normal. For the life of me, I can't figure out where your pain is coming... wait. Do you play hockey?'

'I'll take the one on the right.'

'Frank's last request was that he be cremated and that I never give up his season tickets.'

"Whoa. Check it out, Doug. Your ex-wife is sitting right below us with that dolt she ran off with..."

'He's not a skilled pitcher. In fact, he throws like a nerd...'

'Confusionism'

Fan-Centric Stadium

'...So what if all the other parents screamed at the umpire?...'

"As fans we are smart enough to understand the game, but not smart enough to realize how unimportant it really is."

No Strike Zone Man.

'There was a time when I considered making myself available for the NBA draft. But one day I realized, hey - I'm a slug! I don't have an athletic bone in my body!'

'Time out!'

'Whoa! Don't try to be a hero. It's too late for Dan, but let this be a lesson...'

'My pitcher needs to get fired up by the home crowd. Pass the collection basket.'

'Shake it off, Dewey! Getting hit by a pitch is as good as a single!'

'Both benches have emptied, and now the brawl is spreading to the spectators!'

Bad Knees.

'I knew this would happen. The scorekeeper and time-clock official have been throwing elbows and talking trash the entire game.'

Dugout sale!

'Yeah, I'm an atheist - and a damn good one.'

How to show some hustle.

Stadium usher of the month.

'Hey! This isn't a sold-out crowd! It's just a bunch of cartoon humps symbolizing a sold-out crowd!'