Blasphemy Enthusiast Pillows

"Must we have ten minutes blasphemy every night?"

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

Smart Ass - Wise Ass

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

"Let's consider an early dive."

"Lost my job. But I'm pretty sure it's around here somewhere."

"The announcement of the changes really went well."

Czarcasm

"To address this mistake we must be professional and use root-cause analysis. I'll start by saying it's not my fault...."

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

"I think I'm having pre-traumatic stress disorder."

The Snarky District

"Does anyone know where we keep the unwritten rules?"

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

"Yes, we voted remain - how did you guess?"

'I wouldn't kick her out of bed.'

"This number goes out to all the little people I met on my way back down."

'My firm has an entire department that does nothing but adjust for inflation.'

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

"'How We Die' - fabulous!"

'I think it's damn unprofessional for a dermatologist to scream 'Yikes' like that.'

'How effective is this new weight-loss regime?' 'We can guarantee you'll lose £50 at your signing on.'

"And lastly, for my infinite perseverance, self-control and fortitude, I'd like to thank the Internet trolls."

Don't worry, the first thirty years working here are the hardest.

"Really? That's the only game in this house?"

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

"Larry, what's the weather forecast?" "Let me ask you something. Did you make waffles this morning? Because someone had maple syrup on their hands, and I seem to recall a hand moving me... a pretty, pretty, pretty sticky hand..."

'You're good with people. Just tell him to go fuck himself.'

"The news is so fake, the ads are beginning to look honest."

Batsford doesn't suffer fools gladly.

'This program is geared towards the youth market. You give it up to five commands and it closes down in a huff!'

"Sigh...Another sherry Harold...Go team ect."

"I've edited your Wikipedia entry again, Sadie. You're about to be inundated with phone calls from the press." "Whatever, geek-boy." "You're now the world's foremost authority on Turkey leprosy, the disease that's threatening to ruin the holidays." "No one'll believe that." "Oh yeah? I wrote a Wikipedia page for Turkey leprosy, too, along with examples of all the historical figures it's killed, such as the Archduke of Crushistan." "There is no 'Crushistan.'" "I've written a Wikipedia entry for C