Blackmail Buff Gifts

'Now that's what I call a worthy cause.'

"Can you tell the oak tree to tell the birch tree to tell the elm tree I said hi?"

'No, I'm the marriage counselor. What you need is the semantics counselor down the hall.'

'Some of these trees have been here for 2000 years... and they still can't talk. Man, we're awesome!'

Letter Collecting Nerd

"'Original' to 'Carbon-Paper': Do you copy?"

'Let us pray...'

My Spam Sketchbook

"Again, you may exercise your right to remain silent, but it's going to work against you since this is a job interview."

'No need to text me the answer to that. I'm right here.'

The Horn of Unanswered Email

"That's his answer to everything!"

'I delete so much junk mail, my trash can icon turned into a dumpster.'

"Cancel my landline...are you crazy?"

"No, he's not on any antidepressants. His euphoric mood is coming from me installing a robocall blocker on his phone."

'At 10:00 you'll be deleting spam. At 10:15 you'll be forwarding jokes. At 10:35 you'll be playing online poker. At noon...'

'There's a gentleman here who's concerned because you haven't responded to not one of his 12 million email spams.'

"I need a more interactive you."

'I've got a highspeed connection and I get spam... therefore I am!'

'You know, she's right. It wouldn't kill you to do a little gathering every now and then.'

Meet the People of the Internet

Post Office: Why Not E-Mail It?

"We advised viewer discretion and they all decided not to watch."

"I was pretty highly respected until email came along."

"In closing, let me tell you that never in the universe have I spoken before such an attentive audience."

"The Doctor is just wonderful!! He listens to all my irrelevant, boring stories!"

"I may have waffled, but I never lip-synched."

'We're keeping Edwards because he forwards the funnier e-mails.'

'OK, let's start there. When did you first realize you weren't very compactible?'

Leadership Qualities

'For the future, if you wish to contact me use e-mail.'

What are you talking about?

"If you had to give me high marks for something, what would it be?"

'No dear, there's no post - only junk mail.'

Pandora's Inbox