Black Tie Comedy Fan Gifts

'Steward, this fellow hasn't spoken for a week. Be a good chap and feel his pulse will you?'

Screenwriters pitch movie to studio boss: 'It's a reinterpretation of Bicycle Thieves, that classic of Italian neo-realism. We're calling it, Dude, Where's My Chopper?'

"Why do they do that?"

"Let's just say I have a pre-existing condition."

CSI: Mother Goose Unit...'Hmmm...I'm beginning to suspect that perhaps mister Dumpty's demise wasn't simply a tragic accident.'

"A retired superhero's re-purposed utility belt"

"When is my next parole hearing?"

"Yes, I'm from London. 'Which part?' you ask. Well all of me!"

Bad fake tan day.

Giraffe Umbrella

A Fairytale Update

Summer 2000: Children stumble upon the remains of Linda Tripp's old head.

Baby knocks old lady out with pram toy.

Vlad the Impala

Old navy veteran 3rd base coach

"Okay, you both know the rules: no trash talk, no batting the other guy all over the house if he’s unconscious, watch the claws and nails..."

"The following programme contains scenes of a very noisy vacuum cleaner."

"That's it lads, 364 days annual leave...what would we have done without our union!"

'He who laughs last probably doesn't get it.'

'I got 100 in school today. 50 in history and 50 in maths.'

"All our extras are ex-soccer players - they're the best at dramatically faking injuries."

"Lordy, I am such a klutz!"

Caddie brings his golfer a shovel in the sand trap.

Forlornaments: Tools to drain individual and team spirit

What nationality were your parents? North or south Poles?

'Sometimes, laughter is the best medicine.'

"Out damn Spot

Godzillla eating people using telephone poles as chopsticks.

"I brought back important data on that blue planet called Earth."

"If God had meant us to fly, he'd give us more leg room!"

'Camping is nature's way of promoting B&Bs.'

"That is an outrageous slur."

'Just follow these simple instructions.'