Black-market Humorist Gifts

Tobacco black-marketing.

'We invest so much money in training staff...it's a mystery to me why businesses would risk losing them.'

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

"So, we look to the fourth quarter as a time of healing."

'It's a deal, lets sniff bottoms!'

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

Indian rajah rowing elephant in a monsoon flood.

"This report is mumbo jumbo...I asked for gobbledeeegook!"

"Any questions?"

"Gee, thanks pal."

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

"Delegating authority is good. Delegating blame is better."

"We're pleased to announce that your company has shrewdly traded a cow for some magic beans." some ma

'Gentlemen, I've been authorized to sweeten the offer.'

"In the event of an actual S.E.C. investigation, legal representation will drop from the ceiling."

'We earn extra money by renting out your office at night.'

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

"The Eggsorcist"

"This cruise is getting a very stern review from me, I can tell you."

"Is it me, or is Jasper Johns a genius?" "Über-genius, Larry. Über!"

"Hire a cost cutting, bad-guy consultant to turn me into a good guy during the layoffs."

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"What if, instead of the safe being filled with rawhide, it's filled with catnip and mice!" "No one will buy it." "Drugs and rodents? Who's our demographic?" "The Simpsons already did that."

"Wake up Thomas, it's not 2020. There's no Zoom camera to turn off to hide yourself."

A man sees Zeus throwing lightning bolts on the balcony of his apartment.

Welcome to Mauritius Home of the Dodo Burger

The number one injury in today's workplace: severe bends caused by repeated exposure to deep-dive presentations.

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"After the drugstore, I need you to find fresh parmesan."

Non-Creative Writing, Also Known as Plagiarism 101.

'Ho,ho,ho, but can you be more specific?'

"The anger management consultant said he wasn't going to alter his **** dates at this t****stage which fits in with the 'managing change' consultant who said it was to late to change her plans..."

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'