Black Belt Wannabe Pillows

Joe posthumously advances to the next rank...

'You forget, I'm a blackbelt in powerpoint.'

"Ninja bread men"

"Now, suppose some guy comes at you balanced between two blocks."

'You may now kick the bride.'

Man posing on beach as women ignore him.

'Not only do I have a black belt in karate, I also have a husband in the hospital to prove it!'

Old Karate Master

'Been working out?'

I'll take this one here.

"Ohhh... He's out all right!"

'My husband's ancestors did come over on the Mayflower. The scraped them off the bottom of the boat.'

'... And as soon as I get out of here, I'm going back to that karate school to demand a full refund!'

Remember how I came in on December 31st and ordered a lardo-size fudgsicle sugarbomb mocha with butter sprinkles? Well, give me another one of those. Since it's something I originally had last year, it'll be like I had this one last year too. So it won't violate my New Year's resolution. The ancient art of Time-Shift-Fu. I'm a tenth level grand master. I studied under Moe Yin, the master who created "it's not really 'cheating' if it's with an ex."

Old Biker: Now that I'm a real biker, all the old babes will want my body.

'I suppose this means I'll have to find someone else to practice my karate on.'

Martial arts and clumsiness.

'I decided it was time to be more active when my wife started dusting me twice a week.'

"Well, my fitness band told my doctor how lazy I've been since my last visit. How do I turn on privacy on this thing?!!!"

"I am a ninja rabbit. I am stealth personified. I am one of the unseen. I am now invisible...Darn."

"One last question, Berlinger. Is it just you, or is the whole damn Accounting Department shot full of steroids?"

'It's really not that effective, but it's easy to store.'

'I'm here to sign up for a membership since the muscle shirt didn't work.'

I bought a pair of running shoes, and haven't seen them since.

I love Kung Fu.

"Dang! This guy's good!"

Green Belt

With exercise equipment, it goes on layaway after I buy it.

The Karate Master

"I think I'm getting the hang of it now!"

'Using your workout video as a coaster for that huge dessert tells me you're off your diet.'

"I'm going to demonstrate how dogs are stealth ninjas in the dark. See how I move silently....."

Tanning Creams

Man attempting to karate chop a pile of bricks cheats by tying a brick to his hand

"To be a martial artist, one must be at peace with oneself. You must have dexterity! You must have flexibility! And you must believe in the impossible."