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'Well this shouldn't last long.'

"Remember the golden rule: more buzzwords, less real words."

'Think how all that chatting is affecting global warming.'

Golfer to other: 'I've never seen anyone slice a putt before.'

'What worried me most is identity theft.'

'We only serve menacing drunks here Sir, not small insignificant ones.'

Two Men Discuss Ministers.

Pretty girls listen patiently. They know you'll soon get tongue-tied and won't be able to talk anymore.

"Another flue shot, Larry.

“I may not know much about books, but I do know which titles burn best.”

'No need for pump action, Al - it's the wife.'

"Good evening several times and welcome to QI. As usual I'll be asking a series of quite interesting questions and some comedians will be doing a lot of knob and fart gags. It's a winning formula!" "Don't knock it. No one likes knockers!" "Speak for yourself!" "Was that an entendre? I'll have a double." "Mine's a large one!"

Final words on gravestones.

"He looks like you, and he isn't even born yet."

"Events seem to be headed in the right direction. Unfortunately, it's not taking me with it."

'Sir, you inaugural speech is simply wonderful. I would just suggest you say 'dear employees' instead of 'hey, you bunch of lousy slaves'.'

"Excuse me, Jerrod, but I'm leaving you for Paul's competing narrative."

"My client greatly regrets the incident with the carving knife. However, in her defense, 14 people were coming for Thanksgiving and her husband, who had just one job to do, bought only 8 rolls."

'Vote for me because my Super PAC raised lots more money than my opponent's Super PAC.'

"Meanwhile in Dogtown... Put your tongue back in your mouth. And pull up your pants. That’s not what your mom said last night."

'I feel cosmopolitan tonight, Joe - Give me a scotch with an irish Chaser.'

"Do your thing, Phil...lull them into submission."

'You've got us backward. I'm Vinnie, and my short and subtle brother is Vignette.'

"I just saw some confused old goat pee all over the bathroom floor." "That was a mirror. And that wasn't the bathroom."

'Now that we've learned to talk, maybe we should establish some speech codes.'

'Sir, what comes first ??" the buzz or the spin?'

"I work from home because I can’t stand the sight of idiots." "Is that why you got rid of all our mirrors?"

"Have you heard of Murphy's Law 2.0? It's anything that could possibly go wrong often does...as well as a thing or two that couldn't possibly go wrong."

'Hey, I voted for the big tax hike because suffering builds character!'

"Hey Eric. Do you think they're silicone implants?"

The Art of Bantering!

I conduct comprehensive surveys - I ask my girlfriend.

'I'll give you this, Hargrove - Your report was a perfect blend of cliches, banalities and platitudes.'