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"Why have you got your boobs on your back?"

'Bit quick, is he?'

"I love our litte chats, Jack, but you've got to start drinking again."

'My decorator said I should hang Art on that wall, but I don't think he looks good there!'

"But honey, 'Excuses.com' just sent me 294 reasons why we shouldn't go visit your mother!"

"What do you mean, I hardly moved all night? I was constantly dancing around politics, religion and the weather."

"What do you think of the peaks and valleys? Absolutely gorgeous!"

"...and I'll have a glass of the house Merlot -- shaken, not stirred."

Ralph knew how to ruin a Notting Hill wine tasting soirée.

'I was only pulling his leg.'

'Why yes,I AM looking for trouble - Tommy Trubble, actually!'

'You were extremely funny. It's a pity the butt of your humor was me.'

'I hear the boss is taking roping lessons.I wonder what he's going to practice on?'

'Don't make me come down there.'

'No need for pump action, Al - it's the wife.'

The Meaning of Humour

"Good evening several times and welcome to QI. As usual I'll be asking a series of quite interesting questions and some comedians will be doing a lot of knob and fart gags. It's a winning formula!" "Don't knock it. No one likes knockers!" "Speak for yourself!" "Was that an entendre? I'll have a double." "Mine's a large one!"

"I just saw some confused old goat pee all over the bathroom floor." "That was a mirror. And that wasn't the bathroom."

"He's learning how to mutter in Spanish

Smart Ass - Wise Ass

'Think how all that chatting is affecting global warming.'

Golfer to other: 'I've never seen anyone slice a putt before.'

'What worried me most is identity theft.'

'We only serve menacing drunks here Sir, not small insignificant ones.'

Two Men Discuss Ministers.

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

“I may not know much about books, but I do know which titles burn best.”

Pretty girls listen patiently. They know you'll soon get tongue-tied and won't be able to talk anymore.

'Bartender...There's soap in my beer glass!' - Man farting bubbles.

"He looks like you, and he isn't even born yet."

"Where do you see yourself in five pints time?"

"Events seem to be headed in the right direction. Unfortunately, it's not taking me with it."

"Excuse me, Jerrod, but I'm leaving you for Paul's competing narrative."

An Archeologic Dig

"My client greatly regrets the incident with the carving knife. However, in her defense, 14 people were coming for Thanksgiving and her husband, who had just one job to do, bought only 8 rolls."