Bitter Comedy Fan Gifts

"We have a new line called 'It Must Be Nice' cards. Congratulate good fortune, but with an unmistakable sting of bitterness."

Screenwriters pitch movie to studio boss: 'It's a reinterpretation of Bicycle Thieves, that classic of Italian neo-realism. We're calling it, Dude, Where's My Chopper?'

"Why do they do that?"

"Let's just say I have a pre-existing condition."

CSI: Mother Goose Unit...'Hmmm...I'm beginning to suspect that perhaps mister Dumpty's demise wasn't simply a tragic accident.'

"A retired superhero's re-purposed utility belt"

"When is my next parole hearing?"

"Yes, I'm from London. 'Which part?' you ask. Well all of me!"

Bad fake tan day.

Giraffe Umbrella

Old navy veteran 3rd base coach

Baby knocks old lady out with pram toy.

Summer 2000: Children stumble upon the remains of Linda Tripp's old head.

"Okay, you both know the rules: no trash talk, no batting the other guy all over the house if he’s unconscious, watch the claws and nails..."

Vlad the Impala

"The following programme contains scenes of a very noisy vacuum cleaner."

"That's it lads, 364 days annual leave...what would we have done without our union!"

A Fairytale Update

'He who laughs last probably doesn't get it.'

'I got 100 in school today. 50 in history and 50 in maths.'

Caddie brings his golfer a shovel in the sand trap.

"Lordy, I am such a klutz!"

What nationality were your parents? North or south Poles?

'Sometimes, laughter is the best medicine.'

"Out damn Spot

Godzillla eating people using telephone poles as chopsticks.

"That is an outrageous slur."

'Just follow these simple instructions.'

"I brought back important data on that blue planet called Earth."

"My homework ate my dog."

"If God had meant us to fly, he'd give us more leg room!"

'Camping is nature's way of promoting B&Bs.'

Annie, the Reptile version: 'The sun will come out tomorrow! Tomorrow! You will sun yourself tomorrow!'