Bistro Enthusiast T-Shirts

"I only allow myself one after a meal - I'm now down to 43 meals a day!"

"Last time I ordered Rock and you ordered Paper, so this time..."

Come dine with me!

"Stephen and I are today's special."

'I'll have the crab cake, and he'll have the crabby cake.'

"You'll love this. It's swarthy yet munificent, didactic and gregarious with hints of dogma."

"The chef is going to need more than just your ‘compliments’ tonight … he’s in one of his moods."

Self Service Restaurant: 'Where do you keep the eggs?'

Welcome Spring.

"You say your crème needs more Brulée?"

Try to guess the continent dining...

"Harry—Let's get brunch and day drink."

'Plastic corks, then screw caps; when they come out with a flip-n-sip Chateau Petrus I'm hanging up my tastevin.'

"Tonight, perhaps Mrs. Lewis would prefer this quiet little table for two from which to send back her entrée?"

'Wait until you taste the artisanal water. It's not to be believed.'

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

"I cook the sausages in French mineral water, I wear a French beret and I can call you 'Monsieur'."

"Keep your glasses on. It will look like twice as much."

Next time, a larger tip for the server and less free tax advice.

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

'No, I'm not the sommelier; in fact, I don't even work here - I've just always wanted to try this wine.'

Advanced footsie

'So it's the Mumm's Cordon Rouge, '98 Pouilly-Fuisse, '86 Chateau Margaux, and the '92 Barsac - would you like any food?'

"Have you decided on what you'd like to have?"

Full English Breakfast.

Grand Escargot at a Parisian Eatery.

'As Chuck's definition of terroir dragged past the 20-minute mark, Suzy concluded, the longer the explanation, the less likely you know what the word means.'

"I can't go much longer without your asking why I'm vegan."

"Well I wouldn't eat it, but don't let that put you off."

'Hey, pal... do you have a wine that tastes like beer?'

"Anything but milk and cookies."

"And exactly how is the peanut-butter-and-jelly prepared?"

"I can't even remember what we were fighting about."

'I'm sorry, sir, but it's hats off for the Chef's Special!'

"We'd like the roasted homework for two. And fetch us a bottle of your finest toilet water."