Restaurant Aficionados T-Shirts

"Waiter! I need a doggie bag and a body bag, please."

It is lonely being an old man - but not being a ...

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

Life is for the birds.

'A cheeky red?'

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

La Table

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

'We don't 'skimp' on the pour, sir; we're just generous with the glass.'

"You say your crème needs more Brulée?"

'You and your 'Rescue the Reindeer' campaign!'

"Vindaloo hot enough?"

'Mom's Diner, Turkey Sandwich Special, $2.00.'

'Wait until you taste the artisanal water. It's not to be believed.'

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

"And I'll have that lightly sedated, please."

"Your soup is delicious. The broth perfectly compliments the font."

"Which wine would you pair with the complimentary bread and butter?"

"Is the asparagus farm-raised or wild-caught?"

"We have plenty of time to catch the ark."

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

"Have you decided on what you'd like to have?"

Advanced footsie

Grand Escargot at a Parisian Eatery.

"Waiter, there's a hare in my salad!"

"The wine has subtle hints of expensive pretension, but it's balanced nicely by the screw cap."

'Do you want your zebra de la margola rare, medium or well done?'

"How's the salmon?"

'Pass the salt, will ya, buddy?'

"In our house the four major food groups are Bordeaux, Merlot, Chardonnay and Champagne."

'In case of fire, don't panic, pay your bill then run like hell.'

"What kind of biscuits are they?"