Biblical Jokester Pillows

"You think it's tough down there?"

'I can think of ten more for my son-in-law!'

Kid in time-out writes 'it was the best of time out...'

"Don't tell me we're eating Paleo again."

"I saved us a hundred bucks on a Jolly Jumper."

'...heard the one about the Venusian, the Martian and the Saturnian?'

Clown God

'I hate to say I told you so, Larry, but that's why you check your car for bears before you put on your seatbelt.'

"It's World Cup Soccer, Tia Carmen. The U.S. vs England."

A crab with a utility knife claw

It's an autobiography of a guy who spent his whole life trying to get his first @#^& book published. Editor.

'I've only come to get my nail back.'

"Why, Vicar, I'm Eve in the Garden of Eden, surely..."

"Beat it! Here comes the major and his entire staff!"

"Your therapy will be a combination of drugs and clowns."

'One hundred and forty? You don't look a day over one hundred and thirty nine!'

Student to math teacher: 'My dog ate my homework and got arithmetics.'

Drainpipe in a sombrero.

"Okay, who's been messing with the copy machine?"

"This is our most practical model. It comes with a 21-year warranty."

"Honey! A Jewish starfish!"

'What, not even a kiss first?'

"Before someone says anything, yes, it was a long winter."

Lengray's 1,001 practical Jokes for beginners (a man getting punched in the face with a mechanical glove).

"We use the proceeds to help offset the cost of your eternal salvation."

'Classical music, huh?...You mean like Elvis?'

"You idiots … we lost!"

"Your toilet water over ice, sir. And how is the homework?"

Dorothy gets a visit from her funny Valentine.

"And the Lord he sayeth 'doest thou thinkest I knoweth not who sniggereth at the back there?'"

"The good news is that you will have a healthy baby girl. The bad news is that she is a congenital liar."

Peniteniary for the terminally silly.

Clerk: 'Boy that Delivery guy sure has a THICK accent!'

"I haven't changed my facebook status."

Practical joke, violent offender rehab center: 'Relate to me!'