Biblical Gourmet T-Shirts

"Excuse me for wanting to broaden our culinary horizons."

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

'The heart and eyes feel nothing, but the stomach and ears are completely infatuated.'

"And I'm teaming that burned sausage up with a warm, flat local lager."

"I just finished your manuscript and I found the ending delicious."

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

It turns out they don't go together so well,

'Waiter...my entrée fell over.'

The Main Types of Cheese

"Keep your glasses on. It will look like twice as much."

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

Too much cilantro

'You wanted to be a wine maker in the worst way, Paul - and you've succeeded.'

"I forgot to take a pic of the tacos."

To do before Saturday...

"Grass...Grass and more damn grass... What I wouldn't give for a lightly poached Dover sole with a garlic infused tarragon sauce."

'Why, thank you. When they started the vineyard five generations ago, I heard they were shooting for freakin' awesome.'

"The recipe said to let the chicken rest after it comes out of the oven!"

'This wine is dreadful - try some.'

Holiday Supplies

'Is this still America?'

"Spoiler alert! If you read the specials, you'll find out the Chef's Surprise!"

Cheese

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

"I use broccoli rabe as a litmus test."

"You ordered the organic, unprocessed, whole wheat spaghetti?"

'We have Vanilla, Chocolate and Strawberry on your choice of Cedar, Oak or Elm cone...'

Victorian Fast Food - 'I'll have the lark pie festooned with eels, a full stilton, two bottles of port,,,'

'Six different chefs in six months and they still can't make a decent broth!'

'We call it the 'Tomato Surprise' because the chef tinkered with the DNA a little.'

"The bagels are better in New York."

'Cooking'

Fly Tastings: 'Notice that hint of dog fur and then let that full bodied garbage finish unfold.'

"We'd like the roasted homework for two. And fetch us a bottle of your finest toilet water."