Bible Scholar With A Cinematic Twist Gifts

'Thumb through this bible - There ought to be ONE more movie in there.'

Boneheads! I never said I was bringing ten condiments!

"Samson was the best actor in the bible - he brought the house down!"

'Sire, Sodom and Gomorrah are requesting Federal disaster relief aid.'

"Wait 'til my Dad hears about this!"

"Um, I notice there's nothing in here about pork."

The Apostle Paul receives a reply from the Corinthians.

"When you say the meek will inherit the earth, does that include the mineral rights?"

'Why me Lord?' '...because yo have animal magnetism Noah...'

"We didn't want to know the gender in advance."

Well HERE'S some good news...Judgement Day has been replaced by a multiple choice questionnaire.

"You call this a constitution?"

"I've got writer's block."

"Today we studied Matthew, the first in a four-part series."

"They're SUPPOSED to have a disparate impact!"

"So, like, don't make any big plans for this weekend."

Cleric with bible briefcase.

"When I was a child, I drank like a child, but when I became a man I put away childish drinks."

The World's Biggest Book Club

'Can I download that as a PDF?'

'It wasn't actually written by God. The Lord used holy ghost writers.'

"Boss, you can't be serious! This can't be paradise. . . there's no football and no pubs!"

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

10 Commitments? Sure, I guess I could give him those, too.

'Sometimes I wish we'd never told him he was adopted.'

"What did Jesus order?"

"Mark, you have to stop calling John's gospel 'Fan Fiction.'"

"...and if you add wind-chill factor, the next plague will be even worse!"

King Solomon's Pollster.

"Wow! That's some PowerPoint presentation."

'Please take your receipt!'

"Does the ark have wifi?"

Tragically Moses didn't see the eleventh commandment.

The End of the World is postponed from 2000 to 2112.

"We're in luck, not a word about retrospectivity."