Bible Scholar With A Cinematic Twist Gifts

'Thumb through this bible - There ought to be ONE more movie in there.'

"Samson was the best actor in the bible - he brought the house down!"

'Sire, Sodom and Gomorrah are requesting Federal disaster relief aid.'

"Um, I notice there's nothing in here about pork."

"Wait 'til my Dad hears about this!"

The Apostle Paul receives a reply from the Corinthians.

"When you say the meek will inherit the earth, does that include the mineral rights?"

'Why me Lord?' '...because yo have animal magnetism Noah...'

"You call this a constitution?"

"I've got writer's block."

Well HERE'S some good news...Judgement Day has been replaced by a multiple choice questionnaire.

"We didn't want to know the gender in advance."

"Today we studied Matthew, the first in a four-part series."

"They're SUPPOSED to have a disparate impact!"

"When I was a child, I drank like a child, but when I became a man I put away childish drinks."

Cleric with bible briefcase.

"So, like, don't make any big plans for this weekend."

'Can I download that as a PDF?'

'It wasn't actually written by God. The Lord used holy ghost writers.'

"What did Jesus order?"

'Sometimes I wish we'd never told him he was adopted.'

"Boss, you can't be serious! This can't be paradise. . . there's no football and no pubs!"

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

"Mark, you have to stop calling John's gospel 'Fan Fiction.'"

"...and if you add wind-chill factor, the next plague will be even worse!"

King Solomon's Pollster.

"Does the ark have wifi?"

'Please take your receipt!'

Tragically Moses didn't see the eleventh commandment.

The End of the World is postponed from 2000 to 2112.

"We're in luck, not a word about retrospectivity."

'Don't you think they'd be better off in the water?'