Bestseller Humorist Gifts

1,000 places to see after you die by Shirley Maclaine.

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

Indian rajah rowing elephant in a monsoon flood.

Open mike night presents Sadie Cohen. Summer's almost over

"Gee, thanks pal."

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

"Puss in cement boots"

"A whack, whack here. A whack, whack there. Here a whack, there a whack. Everywhere a whack, whack."

Welcome to Mauritius Home of the Dodo Burger

"The Eggsorcist"

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

"This cruise is getting a very stern review from me, I can tell you."

The Forbidden Joyce Kilmer

"...You talking to me? Well, I'm the only one here... You talking to me?!" "Narcissus De Niro"

"Is it me, or is Jasper Johns a genius?" "Über-genius, Larry. Über!"

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

Non-Creative Writing, Also Known as Plagiarism 101.

'Ms Simpson, I believe I've finally done it. I've written the Great American Memo.'

"That's not a knife crime initiative. That's a knife crime initiative!"

"William Blake said you can see the whole world in a grain of sand, but he doesn't always make a lot of sense."

"I see the White House didn't lower the flag to half staff."

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

'He doesn't like people walking in - try crawling.'

"Don't worry, Miss. I'll soon get the hang of it."

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

Meet the author - celebrity autobiographies,

Local rock claims to have been muse for Emily Dickinson poem "I'm that 'little stone' honest to goodness!"

'I don't think the employees like me.'

'Mr. Dunbarter, your fantasy that 'greed is good' may be a case of economic insanity.'

"So, like, don't make any big plans for this weekend."

"I'm starting my own movement—Occupy Fifty-Seventh Street."