Bedtime Skeptic Gifts

"Why do grown-ups send you to bed when you're wide awake and get you up when you want to sleep?"

Being and Nothingness Pop-Up! (book)

"I'm just going to ring the doorbell so I have a chance of a spot in the bed."

"I'll get up in negative five minutes."

'I've always loved your adventurousness in bed.'

"Well did he?"

'Make up your mind, folks... King size or Queen size?'

'Cover me... I'm going in.'

"You're using the boogeyman as an excuse to shut me out."

"Think about the honey."

'I ask myself-do I really want to sleep on the edge of the bed again?'

"I have to say, sleeping in a coffin is way better since I got the box spring."

'Sorry!...Recalculating.'

"And from Newton's second law on rigid bodies it can be shown that force equals mass times acceleration...I'll show you."

'We'll take it. Come along Rex.'

He's mumbling again! What do you think husbands dream about?

Sleeping masks

'I don't need that exercise stuff -- I cross the pain threshold just getting out of bed in the morning.'

'I don't know what's wrong with you, you seem to have celibacy on the brain!'

Oh, come on. Don't think of this as 'going to bed.' Think of this as a short break between nighttime naughtiness and morning mayhem.

'And so we come to the concluding episode of Barthelmew Cubbins and the 500 hats.'

"Yes, Mom, I'm just finishing texting my payers now!"

"See you in the morning."

'Monday morning feeling? But it's thursday!'

Exercise for the end of the day...

'Why is it that there are so many bedtime stories about stupid princes and princesses, but no cool ones about zombies and chainsaws?'

"I have no idea why Stuart Little’s mother is human — don’t overthink it."

A sleeping man counting scuba-diving sheep

'They saved their files before closing and lived happily ever after.'

"But counting sheep makes me hungry."

"Many, many news cycles ago..."

'Sleep on it. That's your answer to everything.'

"You can't sleep? Have you tried meditating, then reading for an hour, then going to the couch...."

Little Marjorie in Delusionland

We have mandatory retirement at my house, too. They make me go to bed by eight-thirty.