Bedtime Comedian Gifts

'Instead of a bedtime story, I'm going to read you my company's report for the third quarter.'

"You kept me awake all night, grinding your gums."

'Larry liked to crack the window before bed.'

'...and another thing. You're very selfish.'

'Honey you're roaring.'

'Couldn't he just lie at the foot of the bed like other dogs?'

"I slept funny!"

"I'd know my tinnitus anywhere and this isn't it."

Memory-foam pillows...

"They always know when it's time to make the bed."

Bed Seasons

"I never have trouble sleeping - I can do it with my eyes closed!"

"Don't let what bed bugs bite, grandma?"

Solving the Snoring Problem

'I'm sorry about all the tossing and turning sweetheart, It's that darn restless Len syndrome,'

Menage a Paws.

'Ha ha ha, it's him again! He always makes me laugh.'

'I can't talk. Sanctions are in effect.'

Woman threatens husband with gun in bed. He says: 'You've gone too far with this stealing the duvet habit.'

Brrr...for the last time! Keep your cold feet on your side of the bed!

For those difficult bedtimes Sheryl relied on the bedtime reel.

"Well you won't be nicking all the duvet tonight."

"My God! You were restless last night, Veronica!"

Deep sleep

I tried counting sheep

"Good evening, Susan. We've decided it's time you get your own bed."

"Perhaps you'd be able to sleep better if you pajamas weren't so loud."

"Read it again, Daddy!"

"Can we please sign off just one night without the national anthem?"

The Wine Bottle and the Corkscrew

"John, wake up, I think the mattress has stopped breathing."

"No. You turn over."

"The mad king ruled by chaos and corruption. He pitted everyone against each other, and they all lived divisively ever after. The end."

Downside of a memory foam mattress.

What makes the flies in your soup "artisanal"? I know, right? Personally, I think it's just a lot of hype perpetrated by the flies. Menu.