Bedside Banter Pillows

'I only got up for a drink of water, and a queue's formed next to my bed.'

"Well done Carson! This could be the answer to our bed shortage problems!"

"We're keeping you overnight because the nurses love you!"

"First, I sent a rocket of a drive down the fairway, then I took the 7-iron, put that ball on the green...a hundred and eighty yards if it was an inch..."

"There's a conversation to be had around a piece of work I'd like us to do tonight."

"No. You turn over."

'Instead of 'You're entering a world of pain', try 'This won't hurt a bit.''

'I'm referring you to a specialist who isn't as afraid to die as I am.'

'It's called a bedSIDE manner, Doctor.'

'Just remember, you're not alone - I'm scared to death, too.'

'You're not listening to what you're hearing.'

"Of course I'm listening to your expression of spiritual suffering. Don't you see me making eye contact, striking an open posture, leaning towards you and nodding emphatically."

"I would not recommend you bypass heart surgery."

'Tell the doctor that I'm too sick to see him.'

"Honey are you asleep?" "I am now."

"I find this helps, when I have to tell a patient some devastating news."

'I've called maintenance about your bed, Mr. Grimes...Mr. Grimes?'

Heyyy, don't worry about a thing. One more energy drink and I'll have you sliced and sutured in no time!

"Your bloodwork just came back. . . the GOOD news is that you've definitely got some!"

"It was meant as a compliment. In my eyes, you're a real pig."

'Actually, you're my second patient if you count that cadaver in med school.'

'It's alright for you - you're going home today!'

'We were playing doctor until she hit me with a malpractice suit!'

"Ever notice that you finish my sentences and. . ."

"I've got a patient who needs to chat to someone...Have you got anyone who's completed the 'verbal communication with patients in a personal, supportive but not disempowering' course?"

"What's the Chef's Surprise Sir? Well, he's VERY surprised his kitchen has just survived a visit from the Government Food and Hygiene Inspector!"

'We got your test results back. Read it and weep.' Bedside bloopers

"I've a patient who needs a 'chat'...have you got anyone who's completed the 'verbal communications with patients in a lighthearted, supportive but not disempowering manner' course?"

"I'm recommending a transplant. I'm transplanting you to another hospital."

Why you must get up.

'George, can't you forget that you're a psychiatrist for once and come to bed?!'

'The issue isn't why are you touching me when I'm trying to read, it's why are you touching me period.'

"We have to stop meeting this way, Allison!"

'If she's dead i get the bed okay!?'